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Torn between my parents and husband



I need help to find a solution about a critical situation i am in right now. My mother got a stroke when i was just 16 years old. After that she remained bed ridden for a few months. Note that i am her only daughter. I looked after her as much as it was possible for me. She recovered a lot but sometimes her condition would require her to be hospitalized. My father had to go to work so i was the one taking her to doctors etc. At that time we lived in Karachi. Then almost 10 years ago we shifted to our native village in Rawalpindi. But my father stayed back in Karachi. I got married to my cousin 8 years back and moved to Sheikhupura. This was my father’s decision. I obliged. The problems rose when my father went back to Karachi alone leaving my mother with the relatives. She was unhappy there. Father was unable to take her along with him because she could not cook food or do house chores. So, 5 years ago she came to live with me. My husband was not very much pleased but he allowed her to live with us. In the past five years my mother and husband had some quarrels. As i am a teacher by profession i spend my earnings at home and on my kids. My mother dislikes me giving money to my husband. She openly says that he saves his own money and spends mine but i know that is not the case. In short, last month they had a quarrel and my husband asked my mother to leave.
I was also fed up with the continuous quarrels i called my father and asked him to take my mother with him. Since then my father is so angry. He says he married me to this man so that i could look after my mother. My husband is also not compromising. He says he will not allow her to live with us anymore. My father is angry with me as well that i was unable to make my husband respect my parents.
I am so much depressed due to the situation. On one side are my parents and other is my husband. Husband says it is not his duty to look after my mother but my father’s. In this situation whom should I obey? The situation is same. Father still won’t be able to take her with him and she is displeased to live with relatives. How can i improve the situation? How can I make my husband and father to get along? Very much in need of help.

Umm e Anas


Assalamu Alaykum

Thank you for your Question

sorry to hear about your mother and the situation you are stuck in.

Ideally, a wife should be listening to her husband  and Husband is obliged to take care of his wife.
Hence, you are to be listening to your husband and your father should be taking care of your mother as his wife.
This However, does not mean that you should neglect your responsibility and care towards your mother.
I have the following suggestion for you:

1- Since your mother is bed-Ridden, I’d suggest you speak to your husband one more time and ask him to over look the issue. After all, she is your mother. On the other hand, do not disclose your personal issues with your mother. Like where do you spend your money, he doesn’t… etc etc
The main issue here is that you have not maintained that boundary between your husband and mother. Your personal life with your husband is quiet personal. It is not necessary that your mother should be knowing about all the mini minute understanding that you have as husband and wife.

on the other hand, you should let your mum vent out to you alone. She should not confront your husband directly. That way, the quarreling will end and both will be indirectly forced to respect one another .

2) your father, as a husband, is obliged to cater for your mother. It is obligatory on him to provide Nafaqah. He can’t expect this from you as an obligation. Hence, him getting upset at you is not in place. If no.1 is not working out for you, then you may want to ask your father to take up his responsibility more seriously (more so because this can effect your Marriage in the long run).  Cooking and house chores can be take care of by a helper in the house or so. Alternatively you can also sort some housing facility for your mother very close to your own so that you can see her a few times in the day and take care of her. The expenses of this set up will be entirely on your father as it is obligatory on him to provide Nafaqah for his family.

InshaAllah your issues are resolved