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Should the Boy disobey his family and keep up his promise?

Q:

Assalamualaikum,
People nowadays are involved in extra martial affair. A Boy make promise that he will marry the girl and builds up relationship and does haram things with that girl. But when boys parents do not permit him to marry that girl what should he  do? Can he disobey his family?
Girls family conditions are good. They have one problem that they are not from same district. So boys parents fear that girl will not be good for them because cultural difference and mentality will not be the same.

A:

Wa Alaykumussalam

Thank you for your question

Doing haraam things before the Nikah has been read is Haraam. Haraam could contain from smallest pleasure to the highest which will be Haraam if the Sigha(formula) has not been recited.

Boy should not make the promise himself without consulting his parents as this is a matter of boy’s future.

Question: What are the limits of obeying one’s parents?

Answer: The duty of a child towards his parents is of two kinds:

The First: To be kind towards them by providing for them, if they are in need. To provide for their day-to-day needs. To respond to their requests that are related to their daily lives at a level that is normal and usual for a human being, in the sense that if he refuses to fulfill them, it would be regarded as “not being good to them” and that would differ depending on whether they are healthy and strong or ill and weak.

The Second: To behave towards them kindly, by not offending them in word or action, even if they are unjust to him. In some religious text, it says, “And if they hit you, do not shun them; instead say, ‘May Allãh forgive you.’”

This is as far as it relates to the parents’ situation. As for those issues concerning the affairs of the child himself by which he could offend one of the parents, these are of two kinds:

The First: If the parent’s distress results from his concern for the child, it is forbidden for the child to do something that would distress his parent, irrespective of whether or not the parent has prevented him from it.

The Second: If the parent’s distress results from of his own evil characteristics (for example, dislike for the good of this world or the hereafter for his child), this kind of distress has no bearing on the child, thus, it is not obligatory on the child to submit to this kind of desires.

It becomes clear from this that, on its own, obeying the parents in their personal commands is not obligatory. And Allãh knows the best.

https://www.sistani.org/english/book/46/2056/

Parents’ obedience is must unless they ask the children to go against the commands of Allah swt.

Although the boy can decide himself and marry but if it causes annoyance or harm to the parents then obeying them in this matter will be wajib on you. If their opinion is out of sympathy and doesn’t cause annoyance or harm then it would not be problematic.

Also, one must take care that even if the son can marry but the parents shouldn’t get hurt from the decision which may cause disputes within the family itself who have been staying together for 20+ years

Some of the cultural differences can be sorted out but the girl/boy has to be pious.

Now you can see where you stand and what is the situation in this regard.

Wassalam,

Syed Haider