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Second wife

Q:

I am currently the second wife to my husband. He’s been married to his first wife for over 10 years, and upon meeting we made the agreement that if we were to move forward with marriage I wouldn’t be able to have any kids with him and it must remain a secret on both ends. (My family would never meet him and vice versa) initially I was fine with this stipulations because I have a child from a previous relationship and have found it to be very difficult finding someone who accepts my past along with my child. We’ve been married for about a year now and it’s getting harder being okay with our dynamics. I want him around all the time but due to his wife not knowing about me (she is against him marrying a second) I only see him about 6 hours a week. I worry that with time this will affect my child because she doesn’t have the structure of a father figure, and I feel an imbalance in timing. I’m torn because he is everything I’ve ever wanted in a man, and he brought me back to my religion.

A:
Salaamun alaykum

Thank you for your question.
First of all, I would say that it is your right over your husband, for him to spend enough time with you. But because you had both agreed on keeping the marriage a secret, it might not be very feasible for you to spend time with each other like a normal couple. And I am sure it must be getting difficult for you by the day to stay without him, but unfortunately this is what you has agreed upon.
The step that you can take is try and talk to your husband when he is in a good mood, to try and give you a bit more time because you need him.  If you have tried talking to him but had no success, maybe you can ask someone you trust, an elderly person, an aalim or someone your husband respects, (and of course knows about your marriage or you would be fine telling him/her about your marriage) to talk to him and explain him that he has got married to you and so has to fulfill his responsiblities otherwise he will be answerable to Allah (swt). I am sure he will understand as you said he is a religous man. And you should also bear in mind, even though it might be difficult, not to expect too much from him as you knew of his situation when you got married to him and adding to that you mutually agreed to keep it a secret which might be making it even more difficult for him to give you that time. But still that does not mean he doesn’t have a responsibility towards you. He absolutely does and he should try his best to fulfil it.
And lastly I would like to say try and make a strong bond with Allah (swt), having that close bond with Him makes difficulties much easier. And always ask Him for help and none other for He is our sole-helper, then you will see when you put your trust in Allah, He will open doors from places that you never imagined.
الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَتَطْمَئِنُّ قُلُوبُهُمْ بِذِكْرِ اللَّهِ ۗ أَلَا بِذِكْرِ اللَّهِ تَطْمَئِنُّ الْقُلُوبُ
Those who believe and whose hearts are set at rest by the remembrance of Allah; now surely by Allah’s remembrance are the hearts set at rest.(sura ra’d:28)
Regards
Zahara  Davdani.