Ask an Alim

Alaikumsalaam

If the husband is not fulfilling the rights of his wife and she wants a
divorce then she will have to resort to her marja taqlid or his vakil to
intervene.

In the case of a divorce the mother can only have custody of the children
for the first two years although it is recommended that children be allowed
to remain with the mother for the first 7 years but she cannot insist on it.
However if the mother remarries or is not mentally fit to look after the
children then she cannot be given custody even if they are under two years
of age.

It is important to remember however that one of the most hated yet halal
actions in the eyes of Allah is divorce.
Obviously in a marriage both the husband and wife have specific rights and
duties towards each other and when one or both do not fulfill their duties,
this leads to an unhappy marriage
Unfortunately, in today’s world where divorces have become commonplace, for
many, it seems to be the only way out
and the negative repercussions are often overlooked for example:

1- the extreme negative effect on the children. It has been proven that
children from troubled and broken marriages usually find it difficult to
have successful marital relationships as adults. They are also very unhappy
as children and suffer from many problems such as low self-esteem,
depression, addiction to drugs or other substances etc

2- the wife/mother usually suffers more as she can lose custody of the
children or if given custody may have to struggle to raise them alone. (Any
settlements done by a non muslim court in which the wife is given half or
part of the property of the husband or custody of the children are void and
not accepted by Islamic sharia unless such a thing had been stipulated in
the marriage contract)

3- the chances of getting married again and having a happy marriage are
slim especially for a woman.

The better alternative and one that will definitely be in line with the
teachings of the ahlulbayt a.s is that the wife should concentrate only on
her responsibilities and try to fulfill them in a cheerful manner. She
should show love, loyalty, respect and obedience to her husband regardless
of how he behaves and avoid nagging, sulking, accusations etc. Pray to
Allah and the ahlulbayt to help and keep telling yourself that i am doing
this to please my Lord – as long as He is looking and is pleased with me it
doesnt matter if anyone around me appreciates me or not.
This continuous positive self-talk combined with intense prayer and
tawassul will inshallah help to change the situation around completely.

Counselors who have been helping families for upto 30 years have seen very
many bitter marriages which were on the brink of divorce turn to loving,
warm relationships when one of the partners decided to fulfill all his
obligations and behave in a loving, respectful manner with the spouse.
There are few human beings who do not respond positively when shown
unconditional love and respect.

There is no doubt that changing ones attitude in such a way requires great
patience but the rewards from Allah for such a woman are tremendous- both
in this life and especially in the hereafter. Consider this hadith:
The Holy Prophet PBUH has said: There are 3 groups of women who will not
suffer chastisement in the grave and on the day of Qiyamah will be raised
with Lady Fatimatuz zahra Salamullah alaiha :
1) a woman who patiently tolerates poverty due to her husbands low income
2) a woman who patiently puts up with a husband who is ill- mannered
3) a woman who forgives her husband her mehr (does not take mehr from her
husband)

Wa minallahit Tawfeeq

S Daya