The World Federation One Stop Fiqh
Search
Menu

Ask an Alim

Problems with wife and her mother interferring

Q:

Hello,

I’m reaching out on an urgent basis because I’m facing a serious crisis situation.

My Wife and I got happily married, we both picked each other ourselves and now have a lovely baby. But since the birth of our child tensions have been brewing up in a rather very strange way that I can’t comprehend or at least I don’t know what to do now.

There are a few aspects to my problem :

1. Wife:
=====

My wife is very soft spoken, keeps her smile on, and always is careful about what she does and maintains nice behaviour all the time, now back when I got married all of this seemed like a dream come true, but the devil unfolded one by one, she was as loud of voice as she was sweet, she doesn’t take no for an answer, she doesn’t listen to me or obey (my instructions are never against Shariah/Islam, I assure you, you have to take my word for it, good men do exist), she all the time plans things on her own and wants things to happen in her way, she likes to control things. The smiles and good behavior is only on the front, at the back, she may hate the person a lot and maybe act sweet to avoid further communication. She is all the time worried about her parents (especially her mother), sisters and they all share a very tight bond, in terms of secret communication, sharing of private information and the usual talks that her mother & sisters would do about how my family operates and how I run things. My wife has fought with me 3 times severely uttering the word divorce many times now, to which I said nothing at all. She has fought in front of my family members and said divorce too, she has misbehaved with my family too and I never said anything. On the second fight, upon reaching out to her parents, we got a very cold and non serious response that the father says”it’s alright, it happens, doesn’t matter, don’t take it seriously”, the mother typically says “My daughter can’t be wrong, its obvious you guys must have done something, it’s not one-sided”, sisters would say “help us run the house, please do us some favours” etc etc. I MEAN WHAT THE HELL

My wife hides all these things from me, and she thinks I don’t know, I know them all! I’ve heard phone conversations, and read msgs and I can’t understand why my wife acts very sweet with me, she seems to be very sincere but then there comes a time where she fights to that extent, cries for a few hours and then back to normal. What is going on here? I tried explaining, and coaching, through Islamic material, and scholars, about marriage, husband and wife. She does acknowledge that I have done a lot for her but then again, when our fight starts, If I don’t allow her something, or do something in my way, she goes on to say that I follow my parents’ instructions, which is ridiculous and then I answer her back that it is not I but you who does this.

My wife does not do her wife’s responsibilities, not even 20% of them. She does not fulfil her motherly responsibilities, not even 10% of them. I look after my son, without anyone’s recognition, I bathe him, feed him, change him (diapers too), I stay back at home from work whenever he has to go to work. She doesn’t share the same feelings that I have for my son, I can see it in her eyes and actions, she gets tired, is afraid, and can’t handle it, she is running away from it. SHE DOESN’T APPRECIATE THIS SMALL THING I DO FOR US, utterly thankless in all other things too.

Her mother gave her the idea of sending our child to a daycare or keeping him with a maid, NO CHANCE IN HELL! I don’t care if she gets tired, she is required to do all this effort, not by me but by Allah, BUT I’M DOING ALL OF THIS. I will not send my child to someone else to be raised, we brought him to this world, and he will get our love, or my love only not some 3rd person’s love.

Her mother got cranky at my decision, and thus the fight started.

2.) Wife’s Mother

Extremely cunning and loud-mouthed woman. Sweet on the outside but very very dark on the inside. Lost her mother in her childhood, raised among brothers, she is of a manly demeanour. Takes a lot of pride in her family and whatever her family has. She is not a nice wife, I can tell through their household affairs. She fought with my father-in-law in front of me when we were still unmarried, then after we got married, and when she is at a loud volume, my ears fall off. She is all the time dissatisfied and has set some phantom standards which according to her , she had them because she was a princess.

Anyways the fact is that my father in law had a second marriage, and since then they have been more distant, but not divorced. Aunty hates him of course, and since that time, the tender age of the 4 daughters, they have seen their mother cursing the father, for many things (disloyalty to her being one of them). She has very well taught her daughters not to let their guard down, and how she has been robbed, and how she is the most miserable lady here and how all the men are the same (because this is what she is feeding to my wife, she is comparing me to her father).

She would always call my wife, asking her what we do, what she does, how we do, how she does, then goes on telling her what do to and how to do it (in the name of guidance) which is clear interference (but my wife can’t tell the difference) because she sees her sad sweet mother. My wife always fights this harshly with me if I go against something that her mother has asked and now this is a personal battle between me and her.

She never took care of her kids herself but did it through servants because she got tired after lifting a glass (this is what is in the daughters too)

3) Father in law

Generally speaking a very nice man, full of values, never meddles in our business but keeps his distance from his own family and has given his everything to his kids in terms of education and living. Aunty and the girls disrespect him a lot which is why he stays away from them and visits them seldom.

He has admitted to me 2 times that his wife is a very problematic person belonging to a very demanding family and that he has suffered the same all his life.

The sisters are also typical gossip girls, unmarried but giving life advice to my wife.

Now I am stuck with these people, I seriously don’t know what to do. Should I leave my wife? Will I get custody of my son? No? why? because Islam says mothers have more rights? still in this case? where the mother can’t do a dime’s worth of work? Don’t I get the right then?

Can I fix my wife? Please help, I’m losing my relations with my family.

A:

Salamun Alaykum

I am sorry to hear about the situation you are going through.

In people’s conflicts, whether between individuals or husband and wife, each party considers themselves right and the other party wrong. Therefore, neither accepts the other’s point of view and feels that the opposite side is being forceful.

In such situations, one should act like Imam Ali(as). Despite knowing, he said, “Let’s go to the judge” when there was a dispute with someone about armor.

In marital conflicts, instead of quarrelling and arguing, we should seek help from a family counsellor. Or at least from someone experienced, trustworthy, and confidential, acceptable to both parties.

Suppose all the problems come from the other side. Whatever you learn, you will not be able to implement it if the other side is not ready to listen and correct their way of life. You should ask someone accepted by both parties(you and your wife) to mediate and help resolve your differences as this is the best way to get the help.

You asked, if should you leave your wife in this condition. Divorce should be the last option considered. Work on your issues, and if you find that nothing is working out, then you can consider the option of Talaq. I pray that you can find a scholar or counsellor whom your wife will listen to and that both of you can work together to live a happy and prosperous life.

May Allah(swt) grant you success

Wassalam,

Syed Haider