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Pre-Decided Marriage

Q:

Assalam u alaikum.

I am a muslim boy of age 30. I love a girl of age 25. we both were working in the same organisation. We came closer. There were so many ups and downs but we never left each other. After 2 years of sharing the same feeling we have decided to marry.She is from Mumbai, India but her parents ancentral are from Uttar Pradesh and I am from Maharashtra. When she was very small her parents have decided to marry her with one of the relatives son. i.e.they have fixed her marriage long time ago. Now the parents are forcing her to marry with the predecided person. She and I really love each other and wants to marry. When I asked her parents to marry her daughter…her mother denied straight away…and aked me what are we going to say to our relatives. we have fixed her marriage long time ago. We cannot change it. Girl has done her P.G.and the boy is merely 12 th pass…whereas I have also done P.G. But the parents are not listening to us.They have beaten her so many times and forcing her to marry according to their will. In India peoples from U.P.dont marry to maharshtrian ….it doesn’t matter to them whether the boy is deeni , religious or not….They just want to marry in their own relation….it doesn’t matter to them whether the boy is religious or not….whether he is educated or not …all they want is to marry in their khaandaan.

We both feel for each other…we both care for each other…we have never done anything which is haraam in our 2 years being wirlth each other….The truth is we really want to spend our life together….my parents are ready for the marriage but her parents are against….plz guide me to the right path.I am ready to go through any test if her parents are trying to judge me whether i m suitable for their daughter….But they were not listening..instead they were beating torturing her…pressurising her to marry to their choice…I am helpless coz my in my family no one is there who can go to ask for her hand…coz my father is not so social in nature…so as my brother..If I force they will go but her parents dont want to listen…they are threatning us that if we go to their home they will call the police…So I m confused how to convince them…I asked them to give me one chance to prove myself….but they dont listen.They have pressurised her to resign from the job.and kept her in their home like a jail. Now i m confused what to do next.

There are some ways… either i need to convince her parents with her help….or I need to send my parents to their house….if it fails then there are some people who says that if the parents of the girl are forcing her to marry with their choice then I must go to court and get married without there consent under pecial marriage act 1954….I am confused what to do….we both are mature…but dont know how to get married…plz guide us…We both want our parents approval but if they dont agree at all and try to force her by threatning to kill her to marry with their choice….then what would we do? She & I dont want to spoil our life by marrying a person whome we dont love…our love is pure…There were no time when wrong things like zeena…or kissing…or anything came in between us…we never looked each other by wrong intension..although holding hand, putting head on shoulder, putting hand on her head these thing we have done. But nothing more than that coz we always believe that if our intensions were never wrong then Allah will help us to marry…”

A:

Treatment of Parents according to the Noble Qur’an 

وَ قَضى‏ رَبُّكَ أَلاَّ تَعْبُدُوا إِلاَّ إِيَّاهُ وَ بِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَاناً إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِنْدَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلاَهُمَا فَلاَ تَقُلْ لَهُمَا أُفٍّ وَ لاَ تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَ قُلْ لَهُمَا قَوْلاً كَرِيـماً

“And your Lord has commanded that you shall not serve (any) but Him, and that you shall show goodness to your parents.  If either or both of them reach old age with you, say not to them (so much as) “Ugh” nor chide them, and speak to them a generous word.”
Noble Qur’an, Surat Bani Isra’il (17) Verse 23

Respect  for parents is of utmost importance in every walk of life. It is very necessary to seek their happiness in  ones best moment of life. However, parents in return have to guide and lead their children towards their goals in life in such a manner that they are successful and prosperous in their objectives at the same time support them in their choices and decisions in an amicable way. They have an uppermost hand but also in shari’ah there are limits and rules to be followed in their implementation of rights.

AT THE SAME TIME…
If we ever want to be able to influence our children’s behavior in a positive way there should exist a mutual understanding and a common bond between the present and the previous generations. A good way of approaching this matter is giving the youth some air. They must be free to speak-up, express their opinions, vote and decide for themselves. This would certainly open their minds and build up their characters while supplying them with ample self-esteem. Then the boundaries must be respected.

ImamAli (AS) counsels: “Do not force your own customs upon your children for they are in other times than yours.”
This is not to be confused with the notion of falling away from your own culture. Living up to the standards of the modern society differs from following the example of the western way of life, and importing their customs andstyles blindfolded.
We have already talked about the bond that should exist between previous and present generations. Once the elders have taken in the fact that youngsters are living in different times than their own, they will come to a more realisticview and understanding of them. Correspondingly, once the youngsters recognize the fact that their parents and grandparents come from a different society, they will confront them with a rational, more understanding approach. What you have to keep in mind is sustaining our fundamental principles of belief, which is obtained through mutual understanding and respect between the two generations.
 

Herewith are our suggestions:

–  Seek an Aalims assistance to approach the parents and get the consent. If not possible then involve family members or friends who are closer to them and who are of open minded nature.  

– If the parents do not consent to the nikaah, it is also advisable to get it recited through the consent of the paternal uncle or paternal grandparent. It is valid. Rather not to sought to court in the first
case. 

– Family Ties –  Since you were not aware of the parents decision about the girls life, it is also not their fault as they didn’t know that their daughter would fall in love with someone else. Give them a benefit of doubt and always try to restore your family ties even if they cut off the ties. YOU SHOULD always strive to involve them in all your happy moments and slowly with the help of Allah through the wasila of Imams, you will one day  be able to win their hearts again. From there on know that your life will be very blissful because you valued what Allah blessed you with…and that is parents. Keep up your prayers and one day you will  be victorious in restoring family ties. Prove to them through sacrifices your love for each other and this will convince them that you were true in your words and a caring disciplined person. Even if they shun you, don’t lose hope, keep on trying, one day they will accept you.  

There are more verses in the Qur’an for parents as well rights of children.

I hope this will help to a certain extent……

Zaheera and Lateefa.