The World Federation One Stop Fiqh

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I have been married for 14 years. i was dating him for 3 years before we got married. my family was against my marriage so i left home to marry him. Eventually, my family got over it and accepted him . Soon after marriage I realised there was a problem in the bedroom. My husband could not keep his erection for more than 20 seconds. I confronted him and he said that women shouldn’t be bothered about these things. I had my first child my husband started to have sex very less with me I comforted him and he started to make a bit of an effort. I got pregnant a second time. After my second child, my husband’s problems deteriorated and got worse during my pregnancy he didn’t even come near me. I thought it was because I was pregnant but even after my pregnancy 4 months went by he still wouldn’t come near me so then I confronted him and then he started to come to me every now and then. During the following 10 years, the same problem continued he would try not to have sex with me by arguing with me and going to bed early. He tries to avoid talking to me trying to do something busy for the day so he avoids me so that I don’t ask him for sex. He would always be mad at me angry at me say that I’m not good enough with the house chores or with anything he’s always trying to avoid sexual contact with me. We do have sex two or three times a month only because I would argue with him for it and most of the time he would not last more than 10 -20 seconds or at times he will not be able to get aroused at all. He started to take Viagra and also went to the Chinese herbal doctor but still, it did not help him. At this moment we are having sex twice in 3-4 weeks. I have got to the point now where I am very alone I’m very upset recently doctors have put me on anti-depressants. I feel unloved and I am always sexually frustrated. I know that my husband’s problems will not go away and to avoid having sexual contact with me he argues with me throughout the day. He makes me feel upset and bad so I do not approach him for sex. Even though we sleep in the same bed he never touches me he never sits with me he doesn’t even hug me or whenever kiss me. In the past I have told him to set me free and let me go I have asked for a divorce but he doesn’t leave me.


Waalaykum al-Salam Sister

I am sorry to hear of your situation.

It looks like your husband needs some proper medical attention. It may be difficult for him to go through this as it is embarrassing for men to be in this state.
You may have to saught some counselling for this so that he understands the importance of helping himself and eventually helping you.
What he needs more than anything though is you! It is clear from your writing that he loves you and wants to keep you at any cost. While you have a genuine reason to be upset and ask for separation but then he too must be feeling frustrated that he is not able to keep you happy with the most basic right of a wife.

In any case, my humble suggestion would be to support him and yourself with family counselling where he would agree to go for further treatment. Then from there inshAllah things can start improving.
In the meantime, you may want to approach your husband and ask him to explore other Halal ways of sexual satisfaction and happiness. So that both of you are happy and content.

InshaAllah all goes well