The World Federation One Stop Fiqh

Ask an Alim

parents not agreeing for proposal


I got a marriage proposal 4 years ago, I prayed istikhara for it about 7 times since then and they, to this day, are willing to send proper proposal for me. The family is great and the man is good in every aspect but my mother is not agreeing because they are from a different ethnicity. We are from the same country, religion and sect but just different language and they live in another city. My mother is not agreeing because of the different city. On the other hand I received a proposal 2 months ago, they are a good family too but there is a major issue although my mother loves them, I can’t agree for them. The issue is that when I was young, I was raped 4 times by a relative. Virginity is of utmost importance in our country. Now the first proposal that I received, the man knows about my childhood abuse and is still willing to accept me. This second proposal, the man doesn’t know that. I can’t agree until I share my issue with the man so at least I am not hiding anything.
My mother wants to accept this second proposal and not tell them about my childhood abuse that’s why I can’t agree for this proposal. I feel like the first proposal is best for me because they’ve been wanting me despite me praying so many istikharas. But I feel like my parents will not agree. What should I do?


Salaamun alaykum.
Thank you for your question.
I am very sorry for what happened to you when you were young.
For your case i would say your mother does have a very valid reason to be concerned about. Culture and language play a very important role in a married life. I am not trying to say same or similar culture should be the first priority for marriage but it for sure does play a very important role. So that has to be taken into consideration as well unless you are sure you will be able to adjust to the differences.
For the other proposal that your mother is inclined to, i feel you should sit with your mother or ask someone she is close to, to explain her that starting a married life on the base of lies is not appropriate especially because virginity is a sensitive issue in your culture. So maybe you could convince your mother that you would only agree to marry this man if you told him the truth. I am sure if he is a good man, he will understand.
You can recite a two rakat salah and ask Allah for the best. InshaAllah everything will work out for the best.

Zahra Davdani.