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My wife is extra sensitive about our new born, which is creating alot of issues amongst us

Q:

AOA. Since I got married, 3 years back, I have been struggling in my relationship. My wife didn’t know cooking, didn’t know how to maintain home, after our child, she didn’t know how to raise kids and I believe that after our kid, problems only got worse. She couldn’t wash my clothes, cook proper food on time, and her only excuse was that ” I couldn’t do because of the baby” She was/is extra sensitive about our kid and wakes up dozens of time at night to check on the kid. She didn’t take care of me and herself and she left taking food because of the baby, I told her many times that first you have to take care of yourself then feed the baby because if you are not healthy then both you and baby will suffer. Same thing happened that after few months, she got so weak that her body ached all the time then the doctor proscribed her a 3 months course of vitamins, and other supplements which was very expensive. She’s been learning cooking for me but many times food is not good. Because of her extra care for the baby, our baby has developed a very bad habbit of crying and not sleeping whole night. As a result, I compromise every night on sex because the baby is crying and awake, I getting frustrated on small thiings because my needs are not met. She also can’t sleep and is sleeping whole day and night and complains that she is sleep deprived. I have been telling her that please do not entertain the baby at night, but she pats the baby whole night til the morning and baby’s habit is getting worse everyday. I talked to her and she said that she is compelled due to her motherhood as she leave the baby at night. Baby is not 2 years 4 months old. We are on the verge of divorce. Please tell me what to do.

A:

Waalaykum salam brother..

It is quiet an overwhelming title to be come a mother or father.  Demands
a lot dedication, patience, persistence,  sacrifice and compromise.

Especially if the couple is first time parent. Infact, first child seems
to be the hardest one because you have no experience too..

Sounds like your wife is going thtough this difficulty. I would suggest
you look into the following to save your marriage and in that way assure a
good future for your child.

1) Please  get some help for your house work and cooking schedule until things
balance out. Your wife really needs to be looked after to be able to give
the best to her family..

2) She definitely needs help with child care. A friend or family who could
come and spend sometime with her. From.your writing I come to understand
that she is very lonely too..in that case. Please make sure she has some company when you are of to work or so.

3) Looks like your wife’s postpartum depression escalated quiet a bit after her delivery. You should def check her vitamin d3 levels and supplement it.

4) Try having a loving approach to the entire situation brother. No doubt you really are trying and are in a very tight situation,  but Im sure you will still give it a positive push.

Just for some general light on the entire issue: according to the shariah, she is not “obliged” to do any of the things you mentioned (except “tamkin”- to meet to your needs) Yet, to please you she took it to herself to learn some cooking! Looks like she is trying her best and does really care for you, but her spirits are too low.
Pls.seek help from a counselor and also a local Aalim available.

Good luck.
Naajiya.S.Jaffery