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My wife complains about me to my brother and friends behind my back.

Q:

Assalamu Alikum,
Sheikh I need to ask a question which will insha Allah benefit other brothers as well.
We husband and wife are both from practicing families and has been married for 2 years. Since marriage we live in a joint Family system, from start I have asked my wife to do parda from my brother and other Non Mahrams. Apparently she does it in front of me but she is used to make calls to brother and my Male Friends regularly to complain and ill talk about me and our relationship (all type).
When I found out I asked her not to do so as Husband and wife matters should be discussed with anyone else and resolved between themselves but now she is doing it more often and hiding it from me. Even she has asked friends and brothers not to tell me that she is in contact with them.
When I try to talk to her about it She says she is not doing anything wrong and gets mad, shouts at me and blame me for doubting her character and asks for Khula / Talaq.
What should I do about it?

A:

Salaamun alaykum.
Thank you for your question.
So to start off, i would say, a husband and wife both have rights over each other which both have to respect. You as a husband have some rights over your wife, just like a husband has to love, respect and care for his wife, in the same way the wife has to take care not to displease her husband. It is her duty not to displease her husband.

There is a hadith from the Holy Prophet (saw), ” Whoever has a wife who annoys and harasses her husband, God, neither accepts her prayers nor any of her good deeds, even if she fasts, spends the nights in worship, frees slaves and puts the good horses under the feet of thewarriors who fight in the way of God, her whole life, she will be the first one to enter hell fire except if she helps her husband and pleases him. Even if a man harasses his wife and oppresses her, he will have committed a sin as well and will have the same punishment.”

Another hadith says, “A man has a right over his wife, and that right is, whenever he calls out to her, she must answer, and when he orders her to do something, she must not disobey him.”

In another hadith the Holy Prophet(saw) says: “The worst of the women are those who are stubborn.”
These are some of the duties of the wife and if she does not fulfil them, she will be answerable to Allah (swt).

Now coming to your part, I understand it will be difficult but for the sake of Allah and for the sake of your marriage, you will have to try and save your marriage.
It is your duty as a husband to guide your family towards the right path

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا قُوا أَنْفُسَكُمْ وَأَهْلِيكُمْ نَارًا وَقُودُهَا النَّاسُ وَالْحِجَارَةُ عَلَيْهَا مَلَائِكَةٌ غِلَاظٌ شِدَادٌ لَا يَعْصُونَ اللَّهَ مَا أَمَرَهُمْ وَيَفْعَلُونَ مَا يُؤْمَرُونَ
O you who have faith! Save yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel will be people and stones, over which are [assigned] severe and mighty angels, who do not disobey whatever Allah commands them and carry out what they are commanded. (Sura Tahrim/6)
This can be done in many different ways:

1- The first and most important one is to ask Allah for help through the masumeen. Ask them to pray for your wife’s guidance and for the betterment of your married life.

2- The Imams have taught us that if we want to have an effect on someone, then we should be first be fulfilling all our islamic duties ourselves before we tell others, as they say actions speak louder than words. When we behave nicely and act on all our duties, then Allah opens hidden doors for us.

3- Talk things out with her, listen to what she has to say. Maybe there is something that is bothering her that us leading to her stubbornness. Talking helps solve many problems.

4- Try and explain her lovingly rather than ordering her and try and find her soft point where you can get through to her, that way she will listen to what you say. If she has a special connection with any of the masumeen or the great personalities like bibi zainab (as) or hadrat Abbas…, then you can use that to explain her by reminding her of their way of living and how they would feel if they see her acting like this.

5- Try and get gifts for her even if it is small. Women like to be shown love. It is mentioned in our ahadith that husband and wife should give gifts to each other, this will increase their love.

6-Never try to prove her wrong and prove yourself right. This breaks a person’s ego and so will lead to her not accepting what you say. Try to explain her very softly, politely and when you see signs of her agreeing with you, don’t continue the topic, change it. And also never remind her of her mistakes.

7- Find the right time to speak to her. Do not start advising her when she is not in the mood.

I hope these ways are helpful to solve your problem.

Regards
Zahra Davdani.