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My husband has insecurity issues…..




I have been married to my husband for 1 year. Throughout our marriage my husband has had trust issues due to his past and has been borderline bipolar towards me and disrespectful at many times. I stayed with him because he has done so much for me financially. In our marriage we had a situation where I was conversing with another male about a business I wanted to start without his knowledge. I did not even bring it up to him because he is extremely extremely sensitive if I ever bring up a man. So I lied and I know I am in the wrong. He works bicoastal from NY to CA. So when he was living here with me and my family because he couldn’t find work here we tried to work it out but it was toxic. Some good days some bad days. He accused me of cheating on him and would call me a liar almost everyday and bash me with harsh words.

So after a couple of months of that he went back to California to work. He has been gone for now almost 4-5 months. In those 4-5 month I tried to go visit him to be near him but he would not agree to that because of “mental state “ on the whole issue between us that happened. He said he couldn’t trust me and etc. I then asked him to divorce me because I couldn’t take it anymore and he would post pone it and not talk to me for weeks at a time. He would still take care of me financially and send me money but that was it.

I was alone in a marriage back in NY. The love and connection and affection was gone. I found no other way but divorce to be the way out. But yet he still would post pone it because he said he loves me and wants to try and go to therapy and it give a real shot to see if he can forgive me.

I have no problem with him going to therapy and us going together- I even went to therapy myself. I was dedicated to making this marriage work but the problem is he does NOT want to see me. What man does not even physically need his woman in almost 5 months? Or not even want to be in the same state? That is beyond me. I have needs and I have tried to be patient for these last couple of months and I have come to my breaking point.

I don’t want to commit haram. I wanted to work things out and resolve our marriage but he is declining even a visit from me or for him to come see me for even a couple of days. I’m not asking for much.

I have prayed istikhara for 7 days straight. I am still torn and distraught on what path to take.

I don’t know if I should just be patient with him more and be alone in my parents house until he decides he can be with me while I’m frustrated in every possible way a woman can be. Or just push even harder for the divorce. I know he has right and I know I have rights too but it is still confusing to me at this point hence our context.

InshAllah Allah will make it easy for you to help guide me to a clear direction from your wisdoms and advise.

Thank you



Waalykum salam sister
Thank you for your question

It looks like you keeping away the business matter away from him has really hit him hard.
You see sister, it is important for you to understand that, he let you know of his insecure feelings when it comes to you associate with another male. And that’s exactly what you did.
So, not did you break his trust on you but you completely made him in-secured.

Now, from what you’re describing, it looks like he has taken this too hard and deep and needs some serious counseling, time and space to get over this.

On the other hand, a reasonable time has passed by and he hasn’t changed as such.

Therefore my suggestions will be:

1- Just bring up the initial reason of his insecurity and admit that you’re sorry and ask him to start all over. Be sincere and ask for a chance for both of you. I’m sure he won’t say no. As in such a way that he should feel assured that you really mean to be sincere.

2- Ask him exactly what you asked Me. Tell him a mistake has been done and that you’re sorry and want to give it a try because you love him and believe that he loves you too. So, what do you want us to do now? Please let me know. I can’t keep on living this way. Be honest, gentle, sincere and straight to the point and demand an action plan. (I will suggest lean more towards reconciling than divorce.)

3- Make loads of duas. There is nothing that dua cannot fix. From broken hearts, broken that’s, love, kindness.. to wealth and health.. and beyond.
Therefore, speak plenty to Allah (az), set aside charity and if possible recite Ziarat Ashura for 40 days

InshaAllah things get better
Best wishes
N.S. Jaffery