The World Federation One Stop Fiqh

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Marriage and approval of parents


Salaams, my name is Amina and I am in a tough situation and could really use your advice. I will give you a brief story of what happened and what is going on. My dad is Champlain and imam and he met a young man who was practicing Islam after some major problems that occured in his life. My dad and him became very close and he encouraged him to come to our city instead of back home. My dad introduced him to the Masjid and he got involved in helping teach gym class and run the masjid. I would always hear good things about him from my dad and brother. After one year he started a youth group where we both started to get to know eachother. We both knew that we were interested in eachother and he asked if it was ok for him to approach my dad. I took some time to think about it and I said yes. When he approached my dad, my dad shut him down and he made it uncomfortable for him to continue his role in the masjid . My dad started looking for opportunities to pressure him and start arguments. I never that he would act this way because he got a long with him so well before he asked for me. It has been one year since this has happened and we still did not get an answer of yes or no. I’m afraid that waiting this long is temping us to fall into sin. I need your advice on what to do. I want to get married with the approval of my parents. My grandparents are open to discussion but they do not have any say in the matter. My mom was open to it in the beginning but my dad has given her so many fabricated stories about him that now she is unwilling to entertain the idea of the two of us being together. A year has passed and they have given no answer to his parents but they are telling me it is a no. I am confused because if they made up their mind then why haven’t they contacted his parents to say no ? My mom’s main concern is that if my father is right and that he lacks empathy. Please not that all of the examples my father used to justify this were from when he was criminally active as a teenager. Now he is 29 and graduating university and starting a marketing job. Even though I can give many examples to prove that he is empathetic, none of them matter to my parents. This is what I need from you.
1. How should I understand the fact that they said no to me but gave no response to his parents ?
2. What evidence can I use in Islam to look at who he is today rather than who he was a long time ago
3. How much of a say do I have in choosing my spouse if my parents are against it but their reasoning is not justified. How much say do I have if this is happening ?
Please help me . Thank you


Wa alaykum salam

After reading your question several times i came to this conclusion that a one final and concrete solution cannot be given for your problem .
I think you have to be a parent to be able to understand your father’s stance. Usually parents want the best for their children and the reason your father is taking long in answering the boys family is that he’s not sure about his decision.on one side there is the past of this boy and on the other side is his present which is quite different from his past .His fear is what if the boy changes and becomes like what he was.
Where in Islam the criteria is the person’s present state,it also recommends us to check the person’s roots.
My suggestion would be to take things slowly with the boy, while at the same time asking an elderly/ learned person to speak to your father as it is not allowed for a spinster to marry without her father’s permission.
Once your father is convinced and the boy meets his expectations the way forward shall be open to you Inshallah.
Always remember Allah is the best planner.Always pray for the best.

Sukaina Taqawi