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Marriage Advice

Q:

Assalamu Alaikum I badly need advice regarding my marriage. I met my husband more than 1 year back. We used to work in same organization. Before I met my husband, I was divorced. He knew everything about me. When he met with me, he didn’t tell me that he is married for more than 5 years. I fall in love with him. And he feels same for me. That time I wasn’t a practicing Muslim. I didn’t pray neither I followed Islamic lifestyle. My husband came from a religious family. After some months his first wife texted me in face book that she is his wife. I was shocked because we were very close to each other. I asked him why he did this with me. He said he lied to me and he was ashamed of it. Now he wanted to marry me. I asked him how could it possible as he already married. Our country law don’t allow second marriage with consent of first wife. He said Islam allow man to marry second wife without consent of first wife. I also asked him if he loves me why he keeping first wife and why didn’t he tell the truth. He said he can’t divorce first wife because it would be unfair to her and he want to take care of her. I didn’t know the proper meaning of “Take Care” and he didn’t explain me. I thought it was just financially maintaining. He also told me that his first wife was chosen by his family. Not by him. He showed me he loves me very much and I was convinced by him. He said he did wrong by lying and want to maintain relationship with me according to Islam. In the meanwhile we went outside of town and we were discussing about marriage and children. He told me that his wife is pregnant and I was shocked. It seemed to me that he is in good relationship with his wife and new member is coming. I was feeling that I don’t have any place here. But he convinced me that he loves me and baby is coming because Allah wants it to come. He was about to go aboard for study. He said he will come back after just entry his visa. Because he is leaving me and his first wife alone. In the meanwhile his first wife knew about me and told me very harsh words. I didn’t know that his first wife is going to abroad with him as she is main applicant and my husband is dependent. I told him not to come back as he lied to me. But he kept saying he will come to marry me and took me with him. I refused him. He said if he didn’t come, it means he didn’t love me. He came back after one month and married to me. I started to follow the lifestyle guidance by Allah (SWT). Both of us didn’t inform our parents. My in laws later accepted us but didn’t disclose to his first wife. I requested my husband to tell the truth to his first wife. I hate lying. But he kept saying the marriage news will impact badly to the health as she is pregnant. I informed my parents about my marriage. First they didn’t accept it as it is acceptable by law or society. But my husband said he will take me with him and he is not divorcing first wife because she is pregnant. To see my condition they accept us. My husband kept saying after knowing the truth, his first wife will divorce him (my mother said to me). He went back to abroad without taking me. After he went back, his first wife came to know about our marriage and threaten him to divorce and take the baby. He was crying over phone. I called to his first wife not to divorce him. But what I listened from his first wife, I was literally shocked. He said he did mistake to marry me and he didn’t love me anymore. I can’t express how I was feeling. He lied to both of us. When he came to marry me he said to his first wife he is coming because he wanted to say sorry to me and broke the relation with me. Then I requested receive the call when my husband came home. I wanted to ask him the truth in front of her. He said he lied just to save his marriage. I cut the call and said not to contact with me anymore. I don’t want to stay with a liar. I was shocked how come a person lied when he himself show me the light of Islam and guide me to follow the truth. I was crying and disclose to my family about the incidents. They said to divorce him. But I don’t know what to do. He tried to contact with me several times and promised not to tell lie anymore. He said he got a lesson and he would lie anymore. He said he will arrange visit visa for me so that we can spend some good times together. I asked him what about his first wife. He said he will say to his first wife that he will be outside of home for work. I asked him not to tell lie again. He said this is not lying as he wanted to go to Portugal. When I went to my husband, I asked where his luggage is as we supposed to go to another place. He bought me in a hotel. He said he can’t leave now as his first wife is 7 months pregnant. I asked why he brought me. Am I not his wife? He didn’t say anything. I went for 15 days but left within 5 days. Before my leaving he promised he will come back after baby born. But he didn’t come back. He showed me several reasons like his baby is small, he didn’t have financial ability, he had visa problem. I asked him if he had several reasons not to come and maintain, it’s better to leave me. I requested him, stay with his family and divorce. He didn’t divorce me. He always said to keep in trust with him as he really loves me and want to give me my rights. I said several times be happy with his family and not to hang to like this way. He always said he will come back and give me my rights. Throughout the whole time I was living with my family. I maintained myself and my family supported me. Finally he came back in December. He supposed to come back in November but couldn’t. I console myself and gave him one more month. He came 29 December and promised me to take me with him and give me my rights. But my family is telling me to divorce him as they don’t trust him anymore. They are right in their concept as they saw my husband didn’t take me and maintain whether he stayed with his first wife. My questions are: 1. Without the Wali, marriage is not valid. We married without my Wali/Guardian (May Allah SWT forgive us). We want to marry in front my parents again. But they want me to divorce my husband as they didn’t want me to be a second wife. They said the person who didn’t with u for more than a year; he will never keep u happy. He will cheat with u again. They threaten me to divorce my husband if I want to be their daughter. I love my family and my husband both. It’s not comparable. It’s very difficult live without one of them. Can they force me to divorce? After my marriage they agreed but later they denied when they found my husband told me lie. My husband said I shouldn’t tell them the full situation. Now I want them to validate our marriage. I pray that Allah SWT forgive me as I married without knowing that I need a Wali to validate my marriage. My in laws accepted us. Is it logical to divorce my husband just because he has another wife? My parents are not ready to listen anything. In their eyes I am a worst woman who is destroying another woman’s family and my husband is a cheater who is playing with us. They wants me divorce my husband and get married again. I and husband want to marry again in front of them including my in laws. 2. My husband first wife didn’t accept our marriage. She is a practicing Muslim also. She doesn’t want my husband stay with me. She threatens my husband to divorce and take the baby. For this fear, he didn’t come to me. What to do in this case? Because when it comes to the point of baby, my husband gets furious if he can’t see the baby. But does Quarn says deprive second wife just because first wife didn’t accept the marriage. Even my husband said she didn’t allow him to see the baby just because he came to me. I didn’t talk with his first wife after that time as she blocked me from everywhere. After knowing the truth, she is not ready to accept which affects on our relationship. 3. My husband came to me few days back. He promised me take me in abroad where his first wife and kids live. He said what he did previously was wrong and he didn’t want to do it again. He didn’t give me my Mahr during marriage, my any rights (financial, mental, social), not a single thing. I wanted to leave my job and start our family but for his family and child he deprived me from everything. Even I helped him financially. He always said Allah SWT is seeing everything and knows his insight whether his actions not showing according to his promise. I came to his life with accepting everything. But I want my equal rights even the nights I had to spare for his reason. I want to forget the pasts and keep him trusting again. I know I love him because of Allah SWT. I want him to be a real Muslim Husband who take care his family with justice. What rights I deserve from my husband? I want to make him follow the proper Islamic Lifestyle. I waited for him 15 months without getting any rights not because he is my husband and I love him, I also want him to rectify his mistakes, work on that and live according to Islam. Please also advice me how can I convince him that what he promised or said to me but not doing according to it hurts me a lot. I want him to be transparent about relationship Please help me to answer my questions. The whole thing I wrote, I didn’t tell write anything false. May Allah forgive me if I did write anything wrong unconsciously. What should I do now? I want to trust my husband and forgot the past. I want my parents accept my marriage. Guide me to be real Muslimah because above everything Allah’s guidance come first. I am in a situation, I feel I am alone, no one is supporting me. Only I feel good when I pray and read Quran. I am a very simple woman. When I turned to Islam, I try my best to follow a Islamic Lifestyle. I am well educated and financially dependent on me. All I want my parents accept this marriage and my husband treat me properly. I don’t want judge the persons whom I love most.

A:

Waalykum Salam 

1) Since you were already divorced before you do not need the permission of your wali for another marriage. In that case your marriage is in order and has no issues 
 
2) This is actually something that your husband should be worrying and solving. Not you! 
I know you’re worried and want a solution, but it was him who got you to marry him without mentioning about his first marriage, so it is still suppose to be he himself to be answerable to your situation and rights. 
 
3) Kindly refer to the link below for rights of both husband and wife 
 
You may want to calmly speak with him and put forward all your queries and concernS. Do mention that you want him to be honest and transparent. 
If this is not possible, or he won’t take you serious then you may want to ask someone else to intervene, someone he would listen to and help you solve the issue 
 
In my duas, 
Best wishes
 

Naajiya.S.Jaffery