The World Federation One Stop Fiqh

Ask an Alim

leaving secret married life


Assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu. I am in a difficult situation and in need of counsel. My issue is I am living with my husband next door to his parents, but I am living here in secret. This is because his father does not accept our marriage and refuses to even meet me (different race/culture). We’ve been married for almost 2 years but have only recently started living together. I rented my own apartment and had a successful career prior to this. To keep the peace, my husband acts as though I dont exist. His mother knows and is loving, sends food and tries to make me feel comfortable. I am expecting our first child and she wants us to be nearby. My husband refuses to move saying he can’t move away from his parents who are getting older, and I just have to have patience and appreciate he is doing his best to accommodate us all. He eats at their house and and divides his spare time between us. I am getting very frustrated having to live with curtains closed, and having to leave the house in secret and call before I return to make sure the coast is clear. I have to wait around for neighbours to go in, in case they speak to his father. I dont have many other options right now because I am not working to provide for myself and my baby inshaAllah. My mother can’t even visit me. I am feeling so lost and even considering going to live with my mother. This, my husband has warned me, would result in our divorce. He is a good man and is trying to please his father, after years of trying to convince him about our union. He is trying to compensate for letting him down and going against his wishes not to marry me, while trying to fulfill his duties to me at the same time. Any advice on my situation would be much appreciated. JazakAllahu khayr. May Allah bless you and grant you ease.

Alaikum salam wa Rahmatullah.
In the Islamic law a man is allowed to marry the woman of his choice even without the consent of his father unlike the woman who has to take her fathers consent if she be unmarried.  Your husband explained this fact and you can intermediate your loving mother in law for that.  Start off by being very freindly and polite to her and slowly by slowly keep.telling her these facts eg islam is a religion that calls for unity resregarding clour, culture or race.  The important thing is faith and good actions. The Holy Prophet also taught and left all these lessons for us when we go through the History of His blessed life.  Remind her that your father in law is counted as your father now and you need to keep in touch with him even if he doesn’t like you which will not be the case once he accepted you inshAllah.  You can also tell her that once your child is born, the secret will easily be let out so its better to start telling him of your marriage to their son.  Your mother in law has to find the right mood to tell her husband and explain him with politeness.  He might be angry and retort for the first few times but because there is nothing unlawful done, he will eventually come to his sences and accept inshAllah.
Your husband is probably fearing the fact that he might be disowned by his father which even if it happens, it wont take any effect and Allah will not.punish him for that if he keeps his good relations intact despite his fathers anger.  He should be strong willed in doing that and win his fathers heart by keeping on his benelovence with his parents taking extra effort to please his father.  This will eventually soften his heart.
Once the talking is done, you should also try your level best to keep a good relationship with your father in law and maintain that.
It is unlikely things will remain difficult between you and your father-in-law as time passes when he understands that you love his son as much as he does. Which, when you think about it, is the biggest shared interest you and he could ever have.
Allah has promised to help those who try to.amend lawful relationships, so dont falter in taking the first step and leave the rest on Allah.
Salma Alavi.