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I’ve a verbally abusive father…..


I’ve a verbally abusive father. He earns and was a good father (sort of) when I was young. But he was always very rude and used to hit my brothers for very little things. He used to tell me how I am a girl so I was unwanted and should have died in my mother’s womb. He wasn’t a great earner but my mom managed with his earnings. My mother wanted us to go to good schools and get good education (which coming to think of it now was bad I think), because studying in well renowned institutes got us to terms with some very good families and friends who’s fathers were the best. Our father not only swears and cusses at us in public but also our mothers. It’s very heart breaking to see him verbally abuse my mother and her family for no reason, just because he feels like it. My father goes to work everyday in fact even on eid days. 3 years ago we found out he has multiple extra marital affairs. Up til now it was fine with my mother since my mother always used to say that he earns and he is loyal, so what if he misbehaves most Pakistan men do that. It’s through his earnings that you kids are studying in such good places and are becoming in to who you are. But after hearing that affair news my mother was broken. She suffered a bad nervous breakdown and I belong to a society where seeking psychiatric help is considered a taboo, looking after her was the worst. Not that she got physically unable at tasks but she got mentally sick which was even worst. She used to cry so much. We told about my father’s doings in our extensive family, some people were sympathetic while some stopped seeing us none came to help us. All this while I kept everything hidden from my friends in college and university but I was so torn too. I have a very difficult life since I got in university. Everything is so tough because it’s a medical institute. I have thought about suicide but I don’t want Allah to disown me after death which is the only reason I keep going. I have been praying to Allah to help me ease my life or take my life away. My father says the worst things ever to me my brothers and my mother. He is so rude I can’t even get started. He is a liar always denies his affairs although our different relatives have seen him in public places with different woman. He went to office this eid and we received a call at home from his office asking for him. We have seen his dirty texts. There are numerous things that I can go on and on about.. This all makes me hate him to the core of my existence. He has destroyed our lives. I’ve been very rude to him as well. I know Islam teaches otherwise but I am human and no human should have to go through what our father puts my mother, me and my siblings through. Please advise me and help me. Say the most positive words because I keep looking for motivation to go on. Help me


Waalaykum al-Salam
Thank you for your question.

You are going through trials in your life. And it sure must be difficult for all of you at home. But when you think of it you will realize that life is made for us in order to get closer to Allah and this will only be when Allah tests us.  This will remain His principle for all humankind whether they have the best fathers or not.

Remember, that Allah will test us only to our capacities and endurance so you should know that He gave you all this kind of a test because it was within your capabilities to endure and come out of it victorious.

No matter what the situation may be, Islam emphasizes time and again that love and respect be given to parents. So, if they are abusive, the best thing would be not retorting and keeping silent.  If you think you can simply tell him he is wrong and Allah is watching over him- he may have a moment of pondering. (of course- this is done when he is calm and there is no on going for then). You may also want to include an Alim, elderly, who your father would listen to and ask him to intervene and help your father.

This would bring manifold blessings for all of you including your mother.  Try giving a lot of love to your mother and at the same time remind her that Islam allows a man to have more than one wife and also enter into temporary marriage (We all know that multiple marriages has its own conditions and rules. however, your mother just needs that mental comfort for now and this may work). Give your father the benefit of doubt that maybe he has done the lawful. Try and inculcate so much positivity about him, just as she did to you all when you were young, that your mother should improve her psychological state and resume her normal self.

Once she accepts that he has other women in his life she will gain back her confidence and still fulfill her duties.  This will indeed bring many good results.  You never know with time your father will realize his wrongdoing.  Of course to top it all, you and your family should pray a lot for his guidance and have full hope in Allah that he will always answer your prayers specially of those in distress.

Life is so temporary that it surely isn’t worth wasting it all in being depressed.  Know that you all have a purpose that Allah created you for so find it out for yourself and live to fulfil that aim.  InshAllah you will get busy doing that and push all the negative behavior behind.

Search for small duas to get over the depression your mother is facing. Keep her busy by making a timetable for her whilst you are busy with your studies.  If you all gain the positive energy within yourselves you will spread the same for others, including your father and gradually you will see a change.  Allah says that whosoever struggles will get the result of their struggle and this is a general thing for all humankind so what of the believing men and women who struggle and have trust in Allah by calling Him alongside with fervent prayers.

Always try to thank Allah for the other favours He has given you, for example, a mother and good education, sustenance of faith and the list is countless. Think of those who are facing a situation worse than you like those who don’t have faith and end up committing suicide or those who have incurable illnesses or those who are oppressed mercilessly like the children and women of Palestine and other countries whilst praying for them too.

InshAllah things will change with time and it will surprise you if you remain steadfast in your faith in Allah.

We will strongly suggest you get some counselling for yourself and if your mother agrees to one too then that will be great. We are aware that it maybe seen as taboo in your family. But private session by unknown counselor or online counseling is quiet possible. We pray that you come out of this situation

Many regards
AAA under the guidance of Salma Alavi.