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I suffer from OCD and intrusive thought. Is my istikhara correct?


Salam alaikum
I suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder I was diagnosed some 5-6 years ago.. But i remember having my first obsessive thought very early on when I was 13-14 years old .. Some vulgur thought about imam hussain came up and since then I’m suffering from ocd about many themes such as belief in Allah, belief in imamat ,belief in my love for my parents ,belief in my sexuality.. Belief in my love for my would be husband… I have intrusive thoughts and doubts about all these matters and the themes just keep on changing… I was suffering from intrusive thoughts about my fiancee when in a moment of desperation to stop these thoughts and get an answer… I did my istikhara that whether I should marry him or not.. But in my heart deep down I knew I wanted to marry him and I did not want to leave him so I did the istikhara with the intention that if it comes positive then fine.. If not.. Then I’ll follow this istikhara for now but re do it agin after some time… I made this intention because I did not want to follow the istikhara if it came out negative.. I did not want to leave him… But unfortunately the istikhara came out bad.. And my intrusive thoughts increased abunduntly telling me that now even God does not want you to be with him.. I had done istekharas previously also about my fiancee but I don’t remember for what intention and all had come out positive.. But I did previous istikharas also due to my intrusive thoughts..

So, after the istikhara came out negative I asked several alims if my intention for istikhara was correct or not… One alim said the istikhara was invalid… Another said that the istikhara was correct… Now for sometime I fought my intrusive thoughts and maintained that the istikhara was not correct but eventually I gave in to my intrusive thoughts and did two other istikharas to see which alim’s advice to follow… Again istikhara came positive to follow the alim which said my previos istikhara was invalid… And istikhara came positive to follow the alim who said my previous istikhara was correct.both the istikharas came positive… I’m in a dilemma now… What do I do… Do these istikharas have any weightage… Because I did them under the compulsion of my intrusive thoughts.under compulsion of my disease..i feel like I’m going mad.. And also I don’t want to leave my fiancee we’ve been together since childhood.. And when I don’t get any intrusive thoughts about him… I become crystal clear that I do want to marry him… Please help me.. This is my situation.. Please help me… I don’t want to leave my fiancee


Assalamu Alaykum

Thank you for your Question.

It’s important to know that Istikhara is only done when one is in a 50–50 Situation. In other words, None of the sides of Istikhara outweighs the other. Hence, your Istikhara in the first place was not needed because you love your fiancé and wish to marry him and in that case, were not on a 50-50 position.

Also, regardless the result of the Istikhara, no one is obliged to follow it. This gives you a second reason to disregard it.

Hence, there is no need to do Istikhara anymore.   The fact that Allah (az) has blessed us with intellect, we must use it to determine our paths and find solutions to our problems. If you feel your intrusive thoughts and OCD hinder a productive thought process, then you may want to seek some therapy/counseling and Getting advice from elderly and experienced people can immensely help as well.

InshaAllah all goes well