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Is it wrong to expect him to marry me as a second wife?

Q:

Salaam.

I am a divorced mom. I have been alone for 10 years. Recently, I met a man who is married but was having problems in his marriage and was looking to get married again – his online profile said that. I told him in the beginning that I wanted to get married.

We agreed to do mutah with the intention of getting to know each other. I have been with him for 3 months now.

I can feel that he doesn’t want to pursue things further maybe because he has children and he is a responsible father and that is one of the reasons I agreed to do mutah with him because I needed someone like him in my life.

Something happened 2 weeks ago that made me feel like I was nothing and made me feel very cheap. What should I do? I don’t want him to make a choice of leaving his wife, I would never want that, but I need to feel secured in this relationship and know where its heading to, I don’t want to be taken for granted.

Is it wrong to expect him to marry me as a second wife? Should I talk to him? How should I talk to him? Or is it best to walk away from this? I don’t know what to do. I am very happy with him, my son adores him, he adores my son and that is what I wanted. I can’t talk to anyone as I am an orphan. Please advise.

A:

Wa Alaykumussalam

It is indeed difficult for a woman to live alone for so many years. This feeling prompts one to seek a life partner.

You will need to consider a few things in order to make a decision. Every divorced woman would like to have the shadow and support of her husband’s presence and a father for her children

If you like the person and wish to marry him, you must know, address and clarify some issues.

  1. He is a married person and he must give time to his first wife as well.
  2. You should not expect him to divorce his first wife just for the reason of marrying you.
  3. You will be his second wife, so he must provide you Nafaqah(Maintenance) and deal equally
  4. I don’t know if his wife is aware of this Muta or not. If he hasn’t informed his wife, there could be additional restrictions for him. Please keep this in mind as well.

As you mentioned feeling uneasy and cheap, it’s crucial to speak openly with him before considering marriage. Both of you should listen to each other, and after the conversation, you can arrive at the right decision whether to proceed with the marriage or not.

If you think he can be there for you with other restrictions then you can go for it otherwise if he isn’t ready to take responsibility for having you and providing maintenance then you can think before you make a decision

If you think he can be there for you with certain restrictions, then you can consider it. However, if he is not willing to take responsibility for your Nafaqah(maintenance) and provide support, it’s important to think carefully before making a decision.

If you don’t reach a conclusion and need more time to decide, maybe you can consider Muta again until you come to a decision.

May Allah(swt) grant you success

Wassalam,

Syed Haider