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I am torn between my heart and my parents and I am about to marry someone who I resent. What should I do?



When I was the age of 13.My parents took me to Pakistan, at the time they said it was for my cousin’s wedding but I soon found out that it was to seek a future spouse for me. They eventually found me someone. They asked me first how I felt about it and as a 13 year old I said I was “ok” with it, but please understand I said it out of obedience to my parents.

My heart was not into this proposal. At the time they asked me what I wanted out of this man, they meant gold or money, wallahi, I said, I want nothing more just for him to be educated and so they agreed on him to go to college. Very recently I found out that he dropped out and did nothing more than roam the streets of Pakistan using the excuse that he was “poor” to go to school.

Coming back to America, my feelings of resentment towards this engagement was becoming stronger and stronger but I didn’t say anything I went along with my parents but I was becoming more desperate to get out of this.

I confronted my parents about my problem in 2016, 3 years after the engagement. This did not go well, my father was very violent with me and both parents started to emotionally black-mail me saying they will disown me or kick me out the house, once again I promised that I will stay with the engagement. And that conversation ended there.

I go to a mixed school, boys and girls, this didn’t bother me before I was much too engaged with my education. However, in 10th grade there was this Muslim boy in my class we didn’t talk at all at first then 11th grade he was in my classes again, once again our conversations were strictly school related then in 12th grade (my final year) he was in my classes once more. And so he approached me and told me his feeling .

Straight away I told him I was promised to another but we still continued to talk, a mistake on my part for entertaining this I will admit that but I am human and we all make careless mistakes when Shayatin blinds us. And slowly I started to fall for him.

My parents eventually found out about this relationship and told me to chose between the boy they chose for me or the boy I met. They didn’t give me much of a choice however, they told me that if I chose the boy I met I will not have their support and the entire family will disown me because my family will not take part in any person outside the culture. And once again I promised them to stay in the engagement I resent and have so much hate for right now.

My parents told me that the boy that I met was only using me and after he was done with me he will leave and throw me out, they said of he really wanted me then he would have came to my house and begged for me or he would have told his parents about me. We are both 17 years old, we are no where near ready for marriage and we both come from really strict parents who only accept people of their own kind. However, we were planning out the right time to come out to our parents and he currently told his mom about me.

I am not the most religious person or the most pious. But I keep Allah in my heart and have prayed to him to guide me the right way and to bring me to what is best.

Please if anyone can help me please guide me, give me some advise. I know that I am not the only one suffering this way. Please give me a halal and open-minded view point. I am torn between my heart and my parents and I am about to marry someone who I resent. What should I do?

Jazakallah Kahir.


Waalaykum al-Salaam

Thank you for your question.

At your age, it is normal to have mixed feelings about many things. you are in a vulnerable stage in life, transitioning between childhood, and teenagehood to being a young adult. It is pretty normal for a person this age to be physically attracted and react toward any politeness or attention from the opposite gender. However, there is a great difference between true love and infatuation. What most people, your age, go through is infatuation.

Infatuation dies down while real love never does. Now you may be thinking at this point that what you’re talking about is real love. But sister trust me, everyone may think the same. However, only time tells. A little distance from this person and you will see how infatuation really proves to be the reality in the case. True love is one of the greatest blessings of Allah and it automatically increases to multiple folds once the Nikah is recited. In other words, any act that entails Allah’s blessings goes a long way and bears many fruits. Provided that before committing to such a holy knot, one must do all the necessary finding out and be sure that the suitor is compatible.

Any interaction with your classmate, of course, other than school work, is not recognised in the eyes of Allah and is haram. Hence, it is not having the blessings that everyone looks forward to in a relationship.

On the other hand, According to Islamic laws, a girl should not be compelled into a marriage. Nikah recited without the bride’s consent is invalid.  Hence, marrying the other person from Pakistan, who you are not compatible with will be equally wrong.  Marriage is a very important landmark in one’s life.  The point where a person starts thinking for two instead of “I, Me and Myself!” Hene, the opposite person has to be such that you are completely in harmony with for thinking for him and you together.

Ayatullah Sisitani says the following

5. the man and the woman must consent to the marriage. However, if they appear to disapprove but it is known that in their hearts they consent, the marriage contract is valid. (Meaning, the Marriage contract is invalid if one or both parties disagree with the marriage).


Ruling 2395. If a girl wishes to get married and she has reached the age of legal responsibility (bulūgh) and is mature (rashīdah) – meaning that she is able to determine what is in her interest – and she is a virgin, and she is not in charge of her life’s affairs, such a girl must obtain the consent of her father or grandfather. In fact, based on obligatory precaution, even if she in charge of her life’s affairs, she must still obtain their consent. The consent of her mother or brother is not necessary. 

Therefore, it is time you took some time out and made some very mature decisions in life. This will involve taking some help and life experience from adults and also seeking some counselling. This will also give you some time and space away from decisions that shouldn’t be bothering you at the age of seventeen! Yes, it’s important to think of marriage, but to who at this point may be a little early. I would suggest you do some good reading on marriage and understand the commitment it comes with. Buy some time and insha’Allah you will be better equipped to choose a life partner when the right time and age comes.

For now, keep away from any mental burden and concentrate on your studies. In the meantime, do keep on reading on marriage, because that will help you make better decisions in life.

As for your parents, you can politely explain your incompatibility with the person of their choice. kindly ask for more time before you agree to commit in a few years. That way both you and your parents will have ample time to think of the right action at the right time.

You may want to go through some of the books that the following site is offering on marriage:


InshaAllah all goes well,