Ask an Alim

Waalaykum al-salam

Thank you for your question.

I am glad you wrote to us. Indeed it is very unhealthy to have suicidal thoughts. Please seek immediate help. You must be referred to a counselor for further, personal help.

Depression/ anxiety are normal and anyone can go through the phase. But what’s more important to know is that; both the situations are containable and a hundred percent improvable. Hence, we insist that you seek some immediate advice and continue under a therapist or counselor.

It is good to know the cause of what takes one down to the swamps of depression and anxiety. From you query, I can tell that the extended family setup and the issues it entails, are bothering you. It will be great if you could discuss this with your parents and look into the possibility of changing the setup. That way, everyone will be happy and you will be safe. (and probably keep other young ones in the family safe from un-necessary depression).
If this is not possible, then you must adopt some skills to combat with the negativity that you see in the house. We will suggest a few:

1. Bear in mind, you are just a child. Regardless your age, the battle between siblings (your father and his brother) has nothing to do with you and or anyone else for that matter. They are brothers, grown up men, they may have differences. But they are best to solve their own problems. There is no need for anyone to intervene especially a child. To make this more relatable. Imagine having a fight with your sibling, and one of his kids stands up and asks you to stop fighting with her father. At this point, aren’t you feeling that, excuse me, this fellow is my brother, and I will appreciate no interference?! Well, that’s exactly what your father and uncles and aunts are going through. Hence, its best left as is and you need not worry.
2. Do not get involved in any of the problem solving scheme. Do not sit and listen to your uncles and aunts speaking about the issues that they have with your parents. Or even yourself. After all, what can a child do to solve adult issues?! Its best if they spoke to one another to get better and quick results. Again, It is not for you to worry if they aren’t getting along or don’t agree to sit together. Simply, stop holding yourself accountable for their actions and possible solutions. Do not try and patch them up. It is not your responsibility and it is not needed out of you.
   If your aunt and uncles, do not like you because of your parents, then you can’t help that. Simply apologise once for any short comings and excuse yourself by saying: I am sorry for anything said or done, I will appreciate if you spoke any issues with my parents directly. Thank you. Do not even feel bad by doing this. It is only right to keep away from your parents issues. They are best at resolving them themselves.
3. Learn from the situation and make great future plans. See who is behaving irrationally and promise yourself not to do it with your own family once you have one InshaAllah. (please do not become judgmental about anyone or anything, simply see what went wrong where, and what would have been the right approach. Evaluate this in your mind and make a record of good behavior in your thoughts and use it when you need to in the future). In the mean time just learn.
   Another effective way to help yourself would be to concentrate on helping others. Make an intention that you want to grow out of this depression and once you’re better, you want to learn and adopt the skills to help others who are suffering like yourself. Your experience in the field will immensely help you relate to others and guide them further. Mind you, this help is meant for when you have learnt professionally about it and it will not involve tour family to begin with.
4. 1. Make dua. Depression In simple language, is extreme sadness. When one is sad, the best way to reduce the load of sadness is by sharing it. Speak to Allah in plenty. And what a listener have you chosen, because all affairs lay in His capable hands.
      He says in the holy Qur’an in sura Ali-Imran:139:

    

   وَلَا تَهِنُوا وَلَا تَحْزَنُوا وَأَنْتُمُ الْأَعْلَوْنَ إِنْ كُنْتُمْ مُؤْمِنِينَ

   Meaning: Do not weaken or grieve: you shall have the upper hand, should you be faithful

   In simple words, why become sad or worry when He has made you so strong?! All you need to realise this is, to have faith. Faith does not mean to sit and do ibadah in the form of act of worship. Rather, Ibadah will simply mean to do what you are meant to do. Therefore, concentrating on what you are suppose to do, like studying, helping family (other than grownups issues), friends, getting better and trying your hundred percent will all be Ibadah.

5. 5. Keep busy and avoid staying alone. If everyone is involved in a family problem in a common room in the house. Like the living room, then simply gather all young ones and start doing something more constructive. It could be collective house chores or simply playing a game with the younger ones to avoid getting involved into adult talks. Help your younger ones by showing them other things to do during the stressful time. And if the din is heavy and loud to handle then simply go outside the house and do something constructive with the younger ones. This will keep you less involved, and it will avoind you to worry to the extent of thoughts commuting suicide.
   6. Please study Aqaid. Your Iman is not weak. But you do not know the indefinite depth of Allah’s power. This knowledge will help you develop your Tawakul and that will always protect you from suicidal thoughts

   InshaAllah you always be successful.

   Your heart is neat and clean.

   Fill it with love for Allah and strength from Him.

   Regards,

   N.S.Jaffery