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I am getting mentally sick and upset over my past deeds.

Q:

I have been in relation with girl-A since 2010. I was at age of 20 while she was almost 13 years of age. She had just entered puberty age at that time. I made her involve in intimate relation with me at that time as she was not aware of existence of such things. This relation involved intimacy and such dirty stuff (Sexual intercourse and sex in practical sense did not happen). After 1.5 years, I realized that I have done a grave and double sin. First I made a naïve person to start such relation with me and secondly I have done haram acts. I left her and all of this and went away and decided not to do such things again. Unfortunately, I got involved in such stuff with another girl-B in 2014 who was not naïve and was mature to understand and after 1-2 years left her too. This girl-A again entered in my life and dated me two times in 2016. We got intimate but sex did not happen. In start of 2017, I left everything, every bad act. I realized my mistakes, sins and all haram acts and I have been repenting sincerely since that day. There has not been a single day on which I don’t think of my past sins and regret and do tauba and astaghfar. I do it a lot. I pray, fast regularly and nafli too and started memorizing Quran and have dedicated almost half of the day to study Deen. I can’t stop shedding tears over my sins. I have asked forgiveness from girl-A several times but she never answered properly as she know what I have done to her. I am even ready to marry her if it is Allah’s will but she does not like me anymore and is not leaving me too. I just disgust and despise myself in accordance of what have I done in my past especially with girl-A. It haunts me at nights, I cannot sleep, cannot eat, cannot think straight. This guilt has been haunting me since 2014 everywhere in every portion of day and it has been increasing since then. I just cannot forgive myself for what I have done with girl-A. Sorry to bother you with a long question but I am getting mentally sick and upset over my past deeds. I even hate my existence. Kindly help me out.

A:

Waalaykum al-Salam

Thank you for your question.

It is good to learn that you’re someone who likes to mend his past mistakes.

Since you are already trying to do your best then keep at it. And Allah will bless you further.

As for this sister, do not make any contact with her. Any further relation with a na mahram is haram and you should avoid it completely. You have tried your best to reach out to the person. Most important being asking for forgiveness. Hence, let it be.

I will strongly suggest you marry a noble girl, wit a good background and character. After working so well on yourself, you must also seek someone as good as yourself at the moment.  Also you do not need to announce or speak about your past to anyone. What’s gone is gone and your today is completely different to what it was. Hence, live your life to your fullest and be thankful to Allah for all the bounties he has blessed you with.

Best wishes,
N.S.Jaffery