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I am a great sinner but great sins have been done against me and my family and great calamities have befallen on me and my family.


Confused if I am still wrong? After receiving sexual harassment and mental + sexual+ physical+ other health and financial disabilities

I am a great sinner but great sins have been done against me and my family and great calamities have befallen on me and my family. I have heard that great calamities fall on the strongest of momin.

I don’t know where to start but let me start with my good deeds
I believe that I am muslim (not used to be punctual at prayer or Quran or dua) but not sure if I am a Sunni or Shia or Wahab etc although after calamities hit me I started reading Quran in my own language I tend to believe in Bukhari, Muslim, Nisai, Tirmadhi, abi Dawood, Ibn Majah.
I have lived in Jeddah Saudi Arabia for 18 years
Not a regular at prayer but not missed many Jummah prayers in my life. Not missed many fasts in till I lost my health.
Received many blessings like did many Umra in regular months and at least 10 Umra in Ramadan, offered many prayers in Haram Al Makkah and Al Madina, also did Hajj at young age.
But followed a sin full path
1-masturbation started at the age of 12
2- masturbation with pornography started at 15
3- did Zina 6 times the age of 21 due to extreme pressure of work life 2004 and out of control desires
4- got married but could not rid myself from pornography and masturbation 2008 initially got a career boost
5-went for Umra 2009 making touba in Allah’s house and praying to Allah to grant us a child and Hasanah in this world and the next. But everything went south after words, receiving some signs of Allah I got severely sick on my flight to Jeddah vomiting like I had never before. Purse stolen and returned in Makkah, my wife’s watch misplaced and returned
6- six months under the pressure of failure to Impregnate my wife and massive failure at work my bad desires grew to such I high level that I did pornography and masturbation for one week non stop then prayed Jummah in Dubai and went to a club found a woman and committed paid adultry with her once
7-filled with fear of Allah, and Touba in my heart do not face anyone for a week. And then through me Allah finally makes my wife pregnant. 3 months later the fetus is miss carried and you know what even one miss carried fetus means Jannah and Allah’s mercy for the parents. But my wife and I fail to understand this sign and have a big fight. 2009
8- we were living as joint family as my wife blamed my mentally ill mother as a reason for the fight she demanded a separate resistance. I shifted to a separate residence but this opened the door to more pornography and masturbation I was addicted to it without even knowing that I am addicted to it.
9- my work life is uplifted by Allah and I am happy in 2010 and.make a big mistake. I took nude pictures of my wife for myself not for sharing with others or to Harrass my wife as is done in by boy friends to hurt ex girlfriend. I am thinking that only I know where these pictures are kept and no one will ever find them (please comment on this sin)
10- my employer has hacked into my banking credit card and the airport hotel at Dubai and they secretly know about my first adultery in 2009. Due to extremely high desire of a taller more beautiful woman and a sign that my going to have another miss carriage and extreme work and financial stress I end up committing adultery with the same woman one year later in 2010. Only this time I just want to spend some good time with her to ease my stress. But she inserted my private part into her private part without my consent. What ever happened next did not matter because the act of penetration had already been done. Immediately after this act I take a shower and without knowing that there is such a hadith or ayat I go to the mosque offer fajar prayer and commit touba in Dubai.
11- after this are the crimes committed by a cousin in my family and my employer that lead to touba praying to Allah and strange this happening to my health (mental physical sexual) and the birth of my son in 2011. Sexual harassment due stolen pictures of my wife by cousin and my employer
12 major health calamities: loss of mental health when asking Allah to punish me instead of my family by sexual harassment
13 major health calamities: when I am mentally ill and come to know that I am unable to quit the sin of pornography and masturbation a read dua of Younus AS continuously and and act of war takes place against me by deception black magic is done on me and I become impotent and multiple doctors can’t identify the cause of 13 different symptoms on my private part s
14 I fall down broke my finger but nothing happens to my back bone 3 months later I go for another Umra and one morning I start feeling pain in my back and later know that I have severe issues with my back bone discs and start feeling severe pain continuously.
15 and the miraculous birth of my daughter on 1st Zul-Hijjah 2017 and sad death on 9th Zul-Hijjah 2017 what does this sign and dates mean
17 I have done sabr on all the types of losses I have received, I have even done jihad by learning as much about Islam to prove that the sexual harassment is wrong and I have silenced by enemy (ex employer on defeated him through Quran And Hadith. He could not speak a word.
13 currently I am such a poor state as regards my health wealth.and honour that the depression does not let me offer prayer or Zakat or fasting . when will Allah’s help arrive to improve my health and wealth and honour situation?
please guide in light of Quran and Hadith and tafseer


Wa-Alaykum As Salaam

Bismillah ArRahman ArRaheem

The help and blessings that you are expecting now, in reality you are already drowned in to it, taking inspiration from a statement of the only daughter of Prophet(saww) Faatimah(s) where She says “Thankful to Allah(az)
from what He has blessed us with”.

Your creation in itself already is a great blessings and “Neemah”.

The best way to be thankful for it is to use it in its right way i.e. in
the way of obedience of Allah(az). This act in itself is a definition of
right “Muslim and Mu’min” as well.

It is very important my brother that you understand the following:

The same Lord who created everything has kept a rule that governs the universe and it is known as  “cause and effect” so what so ever you do
there is a result to it nothing is out of accountancy. Therefore  if there is misuse of a blessing then you should await for the end result to be unpleasant.   For example if you smoke you get cancer.  Allah doesn’t make
cancer separately and fit that in your lungs, it’s bound to happen! It’s out of your own choice!  It may not be immediate and if its not in this world it is in the hereafter.

But in the same time “Allah’s mercy over comes His anger” Allah(az) is extra loving and full of blessings and forgiveness “He forgives all the sins  rather “He
turns the evil deeds to good…” so never loose hope and repent in its right form and way (repenting simply means not going back to the sin!) You will find your Lord most merciful and always loving and bestowing blessings.

It is also important to note that your email in itself is a form of regret and that you are trying to move in the right direction.  Hold on to that and keep moving.

Have a look at some previous answers with regards to some of your issues:

Also, in order to control these urges, the following two recommendations
are from the book “Jami’i Al Sa’adat – Al Naraqi”:

1. Hunger.
2. Blocking all paths that lead to potential urges.

To elaborate:

With regards to hunger – never eat to your fill, for over eating is
“Israaf”, and eating to your fill is against the recommendations of the
Ahlul Bayet.  What you eat is also a concern.  Western style foods such as
fast food and soft drinks high in sugars and salts, energy drinks and the
like all contribute to desires being fired up and causing urges.  Spices,
caffeine and chocolate are another source.  Fasting can be very helpful (remember not to undo your work by binging after sunset!).

Paths that lead to urges include imagination, looking at the opposite
gender, speaking with the opposite gender, having spare time, being alone
and similar things.  Each can be discussed at length, but for example, if
you can fill your time table with programs, always be in the company of someone, never having your mobile phone near you while asleep or when alone
(at least not while its connected to the internet), being careful what television shows or movies you watch can all contribute to a healthier more spiritual mind.

With regards to images of your wife – unfortunately the digital world is very invasive and there is no privacy.  So much so, it is recommended to
not take such pictures.  If they have been hacked in to there is nothing
much you can do about it except send requests to remove them.  Otherwise,
the suggestion is to delete them.

S.L Al Hakim
Under guidance by Syed H Shabbar