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I have personality disorder. and have done things against the Islamic laws. have i gone astray?

Q:

Bismillah hir rahman nir rahim.

Assalaamualaikum.
I have a question. I am diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Schizoid delusional disorder. Which means I’m not sane at times. During my insanity period, I do and said things that are offensive towards Allah. I questioned his decrees, qadha’ and qadhar. My thoughts are uncontrollable. My anger and rage are uncontrolled. I even hated myself and felt like a burden that tried suicide. But there’s always something that prevented me from completing it. I only recalled what wrong things that I’ve done long after my sanity returned, that’s when I can perform compulsory salah and the sunnat ones. I feel shame, regret, I begged Allah for forgiveness. And after that, I don’t care whether Allah accepts my pleas for forgiveness, or accept any of my “Amal’s. I don’t care about my fate in the afterlife. Not because of despair, but because I feel that who am I to force Allah? who am I to question his decree. I have done what I could and I leave the rest for Allah to evaluate. And there are times I don’t care whether I receive “pahala” for my deeds. I just did it because it needed to be done. Have I gone astray? I always remembered that Allah exists, even when I’m in my insanity period. I think I am going crazy. Fully crazy.

A:

Wa Alaykumussalam

Thank you for your query.

 

One of the things is to have the realization power which helps us in improving ourselves. Since you have been realizing once you are out of that state, this is a positive sign. Alhamdulillah, as you said when you are back in the normal state you always ask for forgiveness and indeed He the Most Merciful, the Most Beneficent will forgive it. The things a person says while in the insane state do not worth but once a person is back in the normal state, realizes what he had  done and repents and have the firm belief that the things said in insanity, isn’t the true belief then there is no problem in it.

Always remember Allah(swt) either by reciting the name or attributes of Allah(swt) such as Ya Rahmanu, Ya Raheemu etc. this will build a stronger connection between you and Him.

Pray 5 times a day and recite Qur’an everyday even if it one verse. Gradually start reading the translation.

 

As far as you do not call Allah(swt) bad in the sane state, you should not feel that you are crazy. And don’t let these things overcome you and bring despair, hopelessness from Allah’s blessings and mercies.

 

Always thank Allah(swt) for what He has given you. Pray 5 times a day and recite Qur’an every day and remember His mercies. Try to recite the tasbeeh of Istighfar etc.

استغفرالله ربی و اتوب الیه

If in-case the same thing happens again, repent immediately once you are back in the normal state. But on the other hand build a stronger connection with Allah(swt) and the Ahlul Bayt(as).
To learn more about Ahlul Bayt(as) please visit: https://www.al-islam.org/shiite-encyclopedia/who-are-ahlul-bayt-part-1

 

I hope this will help you.

 

Wassalam,

Syed Haider