Ask an Alim

Husband is not interested in me anymore

Q:

Assalam alaikum.

Early time of our marriage, my husband would want to have sex with me at least twice a day. We later got to know I have vaginismus, that’s involuntary muscle tightening which leads to pain unbearable if anything tries to enter. As a result we couldn’t have penetrative sex. I was given dialators to practice n I have been practicing & improving my self. Although I have vaginismus I’m also a normal sexual being, who has needs. My husband works seven days a week since 3 months. Prior to that he had regular hours. What I despise is he not engaging with me or satisfying me most of the times. He Denys me sex 7/10 times. He gives it to me when he he thinks he’s not tired. I know I should be patient and everything, but despite me having vaginismus I try to pleasure him in every way I can. But he doesn’t. Infact he puts me into guilt that he doesn’t have sex because I have vaginismus n that door will never open. Sometimes I loose control n I end up masturbating. Then I go into more guilt. N all of this is no where helping me or encouraging me to overcome my vaginismus. Sometimes he says it’s because of vaginismus sometimes he says he’s leaking something sometimes he says he’s stressed sometimes he says it’s the food that he’s not getting properly. He has so many excuses. Sometimes it’s nothing but back pain. He’s 29 n I’m 21. I get frustrated sexually. Prior to this when he would want it I’d say yes even if I’m most sleepy. I go to gym, dress myself up. Keep it all clean. I work too. But despite that I care to look nice n dress up for him too. He doesn’t do the same. He doesn’t take care of his body or whatsoever. Now if I where at his position, imams would instead ask me to not deny him ever , dress up for him n maintain myself. Does this not apply to a man?even though he’s halal, I tell him openly I want it, I want him to dress good for me, he doesn’t care. My mind at times looses control. I don’t want that. Pls suggest me something that I can show him, to make him understand. N I know masturbating is wrong. N I’m doing my best always. But even if I tell him I had sexual dream thrice in a row, he literally doesn’t care.

A: