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Husband holds grudge against my family.


I am writing this on the day of Eid ul Adha. My husband and I moved to a new country 3 years ago after being married for a few months. We are now in our 4th year of marriage Alhumdulilah but I am deeply concerned about my husband’s anger issues. It has reached a point where it’s beginning to affect my health, both mental and physical. Small and silly things not done upto his liking trigger him and he uses the harshest of words for me. My parents and siblings are all back home and he doesn’t have any fanoly where we currently live either. I am a working woman mostly doing it for the sake of distracting my mind against any unnecessary thoughts. He is introverted and refuses to socialise with anyone and prefers living alone without anyone around which is completely opposite of me. I am trying to adjust to his personality but he’s holding a grudge against the one piece of family I have that live close to us(my aunt’s) and declines every invitation or effort they do to meet up with us. He leaves the house when anyone wants to visit leaving me to host them alone. His reason behind doing this is “they insist on meeting a lot and I don’t like it”. I find it very silly of an excuse and have also conveyed this to them not to force him but he simply refuses to leave the grudge that he’s been holding against them for the past 2 years. I don’t know what to do. I tried talking to him nicely, explaining to him that in Islam you are supposed to forgive and let go off your pride especially in the case of elders but he is so adamant and yells at me back. When he’s angry for other reasons, he calls me names, humiliates me and isolates me for days together. Please advice on how I should deal with this matter because I feel really lonely…


Waalykum salam
Thank you for your question.

It can be very tough for a person like you to be isolated and not be around family and friends you love.

However, it can be quiet severely opposite for your husband. And it can be the same feeling when he is around a lot of people.

Therefore, your best bet, as it occurs to me from your writing, is to let him be. You first want him to calm down and mend your relation without any expectations with your aunts. This will bring that piece in the house (Atleast quarrels and yelling wise) and slowly build a bridge where you will be InshaAllah able to communicate with one another after a while.

While the above step is in the making, don’t expect much out of him, try and understand his likings and disliking and adjust your living style that way. However, this doesn’t mean you don’t do what you’re happy with. You must continue seeing your aunt and friends but don’t expect him to do so.

When your conduct towards him changes, you may be able to communicate better with him and that will be your good opportunity to tell him how you feel.
Ofcourse this Does not mean that some day you will be able to convince him to be more social but Atleast not deny it once in a while.

Another thing that comes to mind from your writing, is that your husband sounds like he is very frustrated. He is so frustrated that it slowly builds in him and then he erupts when you suggest something that sounds burdening to him. You must try and find out what burdens him, what makes him so frustrated, infact, you may want to build your communication in such a way that you let him know that he looks and sounds frustrated, and in that case offer your help and announce your availability to help.

Please dont forget to pray for yourselves. Prayer is a weapons in our hand and we must make use of it to protect ourselves.

InshaAllah it works, and you’re able to enjoy your life together

Best wishes,