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Husband does not behave justly with second wife


Aoa, I am the 2nd wife if my husband,we have been married for 8 yrs now. Initially it was a secret marriage but now everyone knows about us for the past 6 yrs. I have 3 kids with my husband. At the time of marriage I had discussed the financial issues ,to which he reassured he ll see to it, and also that his first wife is a kind nice woman who ll understand his decisions. Now the things are other way round.

Husband took care of my expenses for the 1st 6 month, and after that I had started doing job happily to support him and also to make him happy. He is an army officer by profession which means government gives him house and one servant. He let me avail them for the first 1.5 yrs of marriage. And never after that,

He provides that house and servant to his first wife and bears expenses. On the other hand, for me he rents houses in every station which eats away most of our earnings. Plus, he divides only his salary into 2 halves, say if his income is 100k,he ll give his first wife 50k, plus, house plus servant, and for me just the 50k. I have to do 2 sometimes 3 jobs to meet the expenses. As the houses he finds for us are rented at 30to 50k. I am exhausted and tired, my back hurts by working 12 hrs a day, my kids are smaller than hers, and I have no help, whatsoever.

I have asked my husband many times that this is injustice, discussed and fought ,he responded as if he dint hear me, or if starts taunting me for my past. Becomes disrespectful(other times he is a nice and well behaved man)

I have asked him logically that atleast give me the servant who can help me with house chores and kids, while I m doing jobs. He doesn’t agree to that either, saying servant was always with first wife and will be with her forever.

I have started developing hate for him, he doesn’t listen to me.He says it’s everyone’s responsibility to bear the expenses.

Please note that his first wife doesn’t work and is not educated, she only inherited some amount and avails the interest that comes from that amount.

My main concern is that doing 3 jobs a day,to meet the expenses drains me, I m not nice to kids, not available for them, and I long for that. It feels like, all my efforts are being wasted, as I can’t pay attention to kids emotional needs, I m exhausted and sick. And the feeling of not being heard, inspire if sacrificing so much for my husband..

I feel take advantage of, I feel he is taking advantage of my weak position,  whenever i talk about it ,he starts reminding me of my past affairs (which was a mere brief period ,and I regret tht for years and years and my Allah knows I had been sincere and honest with my husband the moment he entered in my life) but I believe, he wants to exploit that against me, so that he doesn’t have to bear my expenses and he can maintain the standard of life for his first wife and kids.

I feel so sad, I also offered him to live together, but he and his wife do disrespectfully refused it..

Please help me, how to atleast make him realise this is injustice and he will be answerable to Allah, and that my declining mental and physical health will ultimately affect my kids,

Please have mercy on us.


Salaamun alaykum
Thank you for your email.

I really sympathise with your situation. I cannot imagine how much mental and physical stress you might be going through! But you are a very brave woman, who is managing a whole house with three little kids mostly without the husband being around. And this is very admirable.

One thing to keep in mind is that everybody in this world gets tested in one way or another; and its quite natural for us to get stressed out in difficult situations. The most important thing to learn is how to manage this stress before it gets out of hand and is no more mangeable.

So when we have problems in life, we have to firstly accept them and prioritise them and see which one needs solving first. You can take a paper and write down all your problems and this can help you then see which problem is causing more harm and damage in your life. That way you can prioritise your problems and start finding solutions for them one by one gradually. If you think about all problems at once, you will get more frustrated as you already are and you will not be able to find a sensible solution for your problems.

In times of problems and stressor, it is always nice to have someone trust worthy and caring whom you can share your problems with. This way you will feel lighter and maybe that person can help you find a solution.

From what you have written, I feel that you are most worried about your children who are getting most affected in this situation. And it is very important for children to have a peaceful environment while growing otherwise it can lead to serious problems in their adulthood.
You mentioned that your husband rents a very expensive house where more than half the money given by him goes on the rent. One solution would be that you rent a smaller house with lesser rent and that way you could decrease your work hours gradually and give more time to your childen. It might be difficult to shift to a smaller house but it’s totally worth it if it helps to decrease your stress.

I know this might be hard with all that is going on in your life but try and make some time for yourself and do something that you like to do even if it is just drinking a cup of tea afrer the kids go to bed. Try and keep yourself healthy so that you have enough energy.

Lastly and most importantly, always make time during the day or especially the night, to connect with Allah (swt). The connection takes us closer to Him and gives us tranquility and immense strength to face all the problems. Being connected with Allah (swt) make us realise every minute that when I have Him near me, I need not be afraid of anything as He is the Most Powerful and the Most Merciful.

We recently read in dua of Imam Husain(as) on the day of Arafa where he says:

مَا ذَا وَجَدَ مَنْ فَقَدَكَ وَ مَا الَّذِي فَقَدَ مَنْ وَجَدَك
O Allah! What did he find who lost You and what did he lose who found You?

May Allah give you the strength to overcome all these difficulties for surely after every difficulty, there is ease.

Kind regards,