Ask an Alim

Dear Sister, Salaam Alaykum.

Please go through the below, which is categorized into Problem, Diagnosis and Solution.

PROBLEM 1 – Complain from child.Unrest and  insecurity at home due to tension between parents
DIAGNOSIS – Find the  root of the problem, first inquire the authenticity of the problem from each  member (if approachable), family members and neighbours. Does the problem  truly exist?
SOLUTION – Then embark on the solving

PROBLEM 2 – Father’s  anger
DIAGNOSIS – He is upset about  something which he fails to express.Inability of the family  to understand his frustrations, could be work, environment, etc.
SOLUTION – The ability to acknowledge and accept  the presence of anger in the process without allowing themselves to act on  one another when it does surface. The wife should ask if he needs help or assistance  in his work etc. Very softly.OR when he is angry there should  not be a fight back but just silence for him to vent out.

PROBLEM 3 – Parents  fighting.
DIAGNOSIS – Parents  losing connection from each other.
SOLUTION – Seeking  counseling (Islamic perspective) or support to manage a situation. As adults  they need to feel that they matter and readjustment and rebuild is necessary.

PROBLEM 4 – Child as a moderator. Unable,  confused to understand the rift caused by parents.
DIAGNOSIS –  Arguments that are dealt with effectively  that are conducted calmly that show clear messages of negotiation and  resolution have positive implications for children.
SOLUTION – So this concerned child  should work on this approach for siblings sake.

General remarks: Anger is the root cause here and it can be seen that when energy and options run out that is when anger steps in. Between the husband and wife, they can ask for space and respect each others privacy, this will enable them avoid the use of threats such as divorce….When counseling them, confidentiality is important in order for the parents and child to freely express themselves without fear that their words will be used against them. The more the parents agree to set aside negative issues between them and focus on children’s needs, they will be giving their children the best of nurturing and invoke divine blessings.

As a suggestion Sister, you could involve an elder who is respected and whose opinions are revered by both of your parents, so that you have better support and effective assistance for the situation you are facing.

With duas,

Lateefa and Zaheera