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Father Not Happy With Spouse Selection


Assalamu alaykum wa rahmit’Allahi wa baraktu. Thank you for having such a platform where we are able to ask questions and receive such great advice. I started university 3 years ago and came across a girl in my class through groupwork. She is kind, well mannered, modest and likeminded. We started talking and naturally, the idea of marriage crept in my head. She comes from an Iraqi Kurdish family who aren’t really too religious, however, the girl herself began studying religion a year before starting university and increased her faith. Alhamdulillah she has never committed any sins with the opposite sex or alcohol etc. As we started talking, I introduced her to my beliefs, the Shia school of thought. To cut a long story short, she began her own research and has come to the conclusion that the Shia school of thought is the correct path, even retaking her Shaha’dah, announcing her allegiance to Imam Ali (as). She is not yet wearing a hijab as she doesn’t feel as though she is ready yet and religious enough and of course, the hijab isn’t something small for someone who hasn’t worn it there whole life so she wants to wear it when she feels like she’ll be representing the religion properly. I brought the idea of marriage to my father who stopped listening after hearing she is Kurdish and non hijabi. No matter how much I explain to him her situation, he assumes the worst in her and makes up ideas in his head despite him being extremely religious and practicing. This has caused me great depression as I don’t want to fall into sin and have spent 3 years teaching the girl about faith whilst developing a bond. I am 23 soon and have a job after graduating alhamdulillah and want to at least get engaged. Please share any advice on this matter and I appreciate your time so much.

Assalamu alaykum wa rahmit’Allahi wa baraktu.


Wa Alaikum al-salam hussein

thanks for your question

There are different reasons for parents disapproval in this matter like Dissatisfaction of selection, Fear of their child’s independence, Having other option in their mind for their child.

According to what you wrote, it seems the reason for your father’s disapproval comes from your selection. First thing is to consider you and your family’s priorities in marriage for example in our ahadith and narrations one the greatest factors in marriage is compatibility (Kafa’ah) in different aspects which religiousness is a very important aspect and according to what you said they are not very much like you at least in religious terms, so your father’s concern might be right.

About teaching and guiding this girl to the right path, it is a great achievement which is rewarding, but on the other hand according to ayatollah Sistani “All kinds of relationship with a girl including joking, expressing love and becoming intimate are forbidden, before consuming the marriage contract (Nikah)” ( also check: so what you did was forbidden.

I think right now at this stage it’s best for you to take advise from someone who knows you and your family (or the girl and her family), to see whether you are compatible (in terms like religious, culture, traditions etc.) because your judgment might be clouded by your feelings for her.

At the end talk to your father again, explain your reasons for this decision in a kind and respectful environment, in the next step you can ask someone else to talk on your behalf with him.


Sheikh Mahdi Mosayyebi