The World Federation One Stop Fiqh

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Father making fun of future husband because of his looks + shyness.



I want to explain something regarding myself and the man I wish to marry (I will call him Ali).

Ali lived abroad and is my mothers second cousin. He will be 25 in July.

I live in the UK and I will be 25 in October.

From 2013, we have emailed each other and have always spoken to one another on the condition that we will get married. He wanted to propose several times but I said that it is best if he tries to come to the UK first and then we can make it official with the family. Because marrying (or proposing) to a girl from Europe has so many stupid negative comments in our community.

For many years he tried and spend so much money and time but each time he was send back to my home country. Eventually, Allah opened the door and something came forward in July 2017 and he made his journey towards the UK. However, in doing so – he was arrested in Romania for 7 months. During this time (he was allowed 20 minutes of internet time a day) he did not complain once, he did not show any negativity and was consoling me instead by saying ‘alhamudiliah it is for the best and Allah will make it easy’. He has prayed and read the Quran since he was 12 and this was consistent even when he was in prison and he does it even more now that he has arrived.

A few days ago he arrived in the UK after spending almost $30,000. Money he has saved by working from the age of 15. He is currently at our house and hasn’t even raised his head in my presence once. He emailed me last night and apologised and said that since my father had opened his door to let him stay here for a few days, he can’t look at his daughter and misuse that ‘amanat’. He also said that I should have a little more sabr and as soon as he has found a house and a job, he will propose and make things official.

Last night whilst I was in my room (next to my parents bedroom) – they assumed that I was sleeping but I overheard their conversation. I heard my father making fun of him and how quiet and shy he is for a man. He said that I don’t know anyone who would ever give a girl to him in marriage and that even if he did get married, he would never be able to defend his wife and strangers could easily ‘rape’ her in his presence. I heard him make fun of his looks (because he has eye sight problems and amblyopia so wears very thick glasses to correct his vision) and called him ugly and unable to see. This was all done in a jokingly way. He also said to my mother – I hope he hasn’t come to the UK with the intentions of marrying one of my daughters because he isn’t at their levels.

I am more than happy and feel so, so, so blessed that someone as righteous (with a clean background), respectful, honest, smart and protective person like him would be willing to marry me. He respects my father so much and every time my father walks in the room he stands up out of respect. He addresses him with respect and talks with so much respect. He prays and reads Quran. He respects me and has done so since day 1 – he has guided me and never stepped out of line in terms of what Islam forbids.

We have different jobs – I’m a medical doctor and he will eventually have to find a job maybe as a instructor (he comes from a martial arts background). I am content and happy with all of this. I have prayed and made dua for years now that my family will love him and accept him. I know that my future is bright with him because he is the reason that I started to pray, that I make dua, that I believe in Allah’s will. He has guided me in terms of religion from day one.

I feel very angry and disgusted by my fathers comments especially because he also prays (over 50 rakaats a day!) and does everything a practicing Muslim should (zikr, zakaat, halal money etc.). So I am shocked by his comments and cry every time I see him and think about what he has said about a person who is perfect is EVERY way possible.

As I am writing this, he is helping my father outside fix his car. He doesn’t say no to anything they say and is a man that every parent would dream of having as a son.
What can I do? Shall I tell Ali to ease my pain or should I keep it from him. I don’t like to keep secrets but I think that this would really hurt him.

If in the future when he does propose and he refuses – what shall we do?

Thank you for your time.


Wa alaykum salam

Thank you for your question.

I was very delighted to know your criteria for choosing a spouse.

Islam also gives more importance to a person’s character,commitment to religion etc  rather than his physical appearance

But unfortunately, the society we live in does not think like that and  your parents are part of this society.

To make them understand the reality and philosophy of marriage and  Islam’s view point of an ideal spouse,you will have to talk to them very politely and logically. You can tell them that a person who fears God will always try and keep his wife happy (for the sake of Allah) and will not  hurt her purposely.  And this is what most of the parents want for their children.

If this doesn’t work out,you can ask a reliable person (someone whom they listen to) around you to speak to them.

Make sure you say good things about your parents to him and vice versa. This will develop love in their hearts for each other. You don’t have to tell him what your parents think of him because first of all it will hurt him and secondly, you will not like it when he will say bad things about them in future. Besides this, you over heard a private conversation, which you were not suppose to. it was more of a husband wife convo and they didn’t wish for you to know about it. so, its best to forget about it altogether.

Remember you have to play a positive role to make them respect and like each other. And don’t forget to pray to Allah , duas do miracles.

Sukaina Taqavi