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Q:

so lightly my parents have been arguing alot since we move and there just arguing about the smallest thing and it gets to bigger topics and then they start talking about everything that wrong with each other and i have to keeo going and trying to solve these arguments i dont know much but infront of me and my siblings it looks like they dont trust each other or even talk these arguments are happening on a daily basis and i try to as much as i can to stop them my relationship with both my mom and dad has improved since we move but they gotten worse to each other they start off small and end up talking about there whole life story my mom has cried in front of me so many times over this and my dads not showing any emotion back towards anyone but anger and i keep telling them that yelling is just creating tension between the two of them and help them but it argument just keeps getting bigger and bigger and if it not solved it happens again there both hiding there feel from each other and only saying what the part is and not the other person there forgetting about there lives and only focusing on us and how the other one is wrong my brother gets scared starts to cry and my sister just goes to her room and closes the door and im trying to stop this and then my sister has even bigger problems with my dad abusing her and my mom told hom to so many times but he never listens and make the problem bigger and again my brothers crying my dad seem like hes emotionless and never chages him opinion even if hes wrong and also at most times full of himself but i dont see anything he has to show off he use to do thing at the masjid by making food for iftar but i would always be the last one to go into prayer i dont know what to do in this and i have had huge decreases in grades and also even felt depressed at most points and i really need to deal with this or my whole family gone end up distroyed my mom has threatend to divorce my dad multiple times but she say the only thing keep her up is me and my siblings sorry for that long story im putting my trust to allah but i just dont want this to get worse can you please give me advice that i can tell them and even for me

A:

Dear Sister, Salaam Alaykum.

Please go through the below, which is categorized into Problem, Diagnosis and Solution.

PROBLEM 1 – Complain from child.Unrest and  insecurity at home due to tension between parents
DIAGNOSIS – Find the  root of the problem, first inquire the authenticity of the problem from each  member (if approachable), family members and neighbours. Does the problem  truly exist?
SOLUTION – Then embark on the solving

PROBLEM 2 – Father’s  anger
DIAGNOSIS – He is upset about  something which he fails to express.Inability of the family  to understand his frustrations, could be work, environment, etc.
SOLUTION – The ability to acknowledge and accept  the presence of anger in the process without allowing themselves to act on  one another when it does surface. The wife should ask if he needs help or assistance  in his work etc. Very softly.OR when he is angry there should  not be a fight back but just silence for him to vent out.

PROBLEM 3 – Parents  fighting.
DIAGNOSIS – Parents  losing connection from each other.
SOLUTION – Seeking  counseling (Islamic perspective) or support to manage a situation. As adults  they need to feel that they matter and readjustment and rebuild is necessary.

PROBLEM 4 – Child as a moderator. Unable,  confused to understand the rift caused by parents.
DIAGNOSIS –  Arguments that are dealt with effectively  that are conducted calmly that show clear messages of negotiation and  resolution have positive implications for children.
SOLUTION – So this concerned child  should work on this approach for siblings sake.  

General remarks: Anger is the root cause here and it can be seen that when energy and options run out that is when anger steps in. Between the husband and wife, they can ask for space and respect each others privacy, this will enable them avoid the use of threats such as divorce….When counseling them, confidentiality is important in order for the parents and child to freely express themselves without fear that their words will be used against them. The more the parents agree to set aside negative issues between them and focus on children’s needs, they will be giving their children the best of nurturing and invoke divine blessings.

As a suggestion Sister, you could involve an elder who is respected and whose opinions are revered by both of your parents, so that you have better support and effective assistance for the situation you are facing.

With duas,

Lateefa and Zaheera