The World Federation One Stop Fiqh
Search
Menu

Ask an Alim

Engagement/ Asexuality

Q:

Assalam alaikum,
I got engaged earlier this year. Everyone had good things to say about him so i agreed. Later on I realized his family thoughts don’t match mine. His family wants me to talk to the guy, go on dates, etc with the guy, they insisted it’s going to be done in a halal way. So we started texting however i found we have conflicting personalities and whenever he flirts even a little I feel extremely uncomfortable and I feel no attraction towards the guy. This later made me realize that i am asexual and was the same even before the engagement. I don’t know how to break things up. I have hinted to my family that i no longer wish to marry but they think I’m confused and that the decision will hurt the family reputation as I have a younger sister who is yet to be married. Im very scared and conflicted on what should i do?

A:

Your Assistance Requested : Engagement/ Asexuality
Assalamu Alaykum

Upload pls

Naajiya Jaffery

On Sep 29, 2020, at 00:15, Ask An Alim Admin wrote:


Alaikum salam sister.

Marriage is the most sacred contract in Islam and extremely recommended in the Quran and Sunnah of the Holy Prophet s.a.w.
I advice you that you should get some medical help before deciding on this matter. Your condition may be because of being shy towards the opposite sex or even other physical condition like some dietary issues causing hormone imbalance.

Be sure to talk this through to the closest member of your family like a mother or an elder sister or cousin who can assist you in finding the right help.

You can kindly remind them that this is a matter of your whole.life ahead so its quite unreasonable to only think about the reputation of others or whos waiting next in line for marriage. If the right action is done, Allah will help in all ways.

In the meantime, now that you have been engaged to this boy, the first thing is to make sure that everything is done in the lawful way and atleast a temporary marriage has been conducted so that you can talk freely with each other.
Give yourself a chance before deciding on the matter and try not jumping into any conclusion before you regret. Once your inter acting becomes halal, try listening and responding to your spouse as politely as you can.
Talk to him and see if he also listens to what you have to say. Build the rapport and humour in your conversations. It is a way of testing yourself if you can be eventually attracted to him or not.
If you have been modest all your life, it could take some time before deciding what you really feel or not and dont simply suggest to yourself that youre asexual.
Allah in His wise plan has created every normal human being with the potential of getting married and having healthy relationships which give rise to pure generations.
The benefits of a married life goes far beyond of what is normally thought. Islam regards marriage as a way to require spiritual perfection also and enhances the value of prayers apart from increasing ones sustanance and causing one to be in peace and tranquility with their parteners.
After giving yourself a chance and trying all you could bearing in mind that the person you are getting married to has the right criteria according to Islamic values and you are also compatible with him , then you can finally decide once and for all whether you wish to continue or break the engagement.
I would also advice you to read some good books and find out for yourself about marriage and its benefits and conditions. You can find many useful.books in the site al islam.org library.
We pray you make the right decision at the end inshAllah.

Regards
Salma Aalavi