The World Federation One Stop Fiqh
Search
Menu

Ask an Alim

Counciling question about marriage / life.

Q:

Asalum-wa-alakum

I don’t really have a question but I just need some advice on what to do about the situation i am in. So I am currently 18 years old finishing year 12 this year (2019) and my dad hasn’t let me do anything which has been a year.
I have told my family that I just need those three things ,

1. I want a job because I want to earn money and buy myself some clothes, help my mum out with the bills and groceries (since my dad doesn’t help with this most of the time) I want give her some money to buy herself some stuff because I haven’t seen her buy things for herself for a long time because she worries too much about me and i want to give her back. Also I have braces which my mum has to pay $200 each money and she ends up struggles especially when the bills come in. MOST IMPORTANTLY I THOUGHT IF I GOT A JOB MAYBE I CAN start to PRAY SALAH, DO MY HOMEWORK (i am very lazy and I thought this because in a job your working hard so I thought once I come home I will do these things) AND GAIN CONFIDENCE, i am shy most times  through working that I can not be shy as I am working with people I haven’t seen before.

– I told My Dad I want to get a job to help the family out but he said no because he things I am gonna hangout with boys when when I told him that I just wanna work near our house, we have shops like KFC near our house 3-4 minute walk but he still wont let me, I thought working at these shops he will trust me a little as they aren’t far away but he still said no.

2) I want to get a drivers licence (as i am 18 now) because we (me, my mum and 2 little siblings) have to catch a bus to go grocery shopping or just to buy some clothes or just to wonder around the shops. to be honest sometimes I am really embarrassed walking and carry stuff with my hands. Also I have seen my older brother get annoyed (sometimes) when my mum asks him to take us shopping/ grocery shopping, and I just want to help them out because I am home 24/7 doing nothing they are always at work and come home in the afternoons.

3. I want to hang out with my friends which are all girls but my dad wont let me. I havent asked him this until last year because back then I kinda knew 6i wasn’t but I wanted to give it a try. he said no in the end. I want to get out of home and just have some fun like buy clothes together stuff like but my dad things I am gonna hangout with boys .

Okay so my intentions for two of these things is to help the family out, and the friends one is just to finally get out of the house and be with my friends as my dad never takes us kids anywhere fun we always stay home 24/7 rotting to death. this is why I don’t like the holidays .

Recently I was getting really annoyed and maybe mad so I told him how I feel but he just said that he doesn’t want me to hangout with boys and get pregnant and he also said that he doesn’t want me to do something stupid where he will be embarrassed when he hangout with his friends. Since I am finishing high school this year he said I cant go to university until I get married cause he told me because I will get a boyfriend or get pregnant.

– Someone proposed to me which I don’t want to marry because he is 6 or 5 years older than me, my mum made me speak to me and he had an old guys voice I mistakened him as my grandpa. I am scrared once when we go to sudan I will be forced to get married to him.

I also dont want to get married because I cant cook, I cant take care of myself, I have no confidence, and I am not mature, (My friends and I literally played hide and seek last year 2 or 3 times and here I am getting married next year)

Due to this I wanted to kill myself, I started to pray but I still need to wake up early to pray fijr. I don’t want to get married But My Dad is making me do it. I know that once I get married that the people in our community are gonna expect me to dress and act a certain away and I am not ready for that. But marriage is the only way I wont embarrass My Dad by committing zina or its the only way my dad can trust me and I will get freedom once I get married.

I AM SORRY FOR MY RANT BUT MY QUESTION IS WHAT DO I DO?

A:

Waalykum salam
Thank you for your Question

Sister, you need to seek some immediate help. Suicidal thoughts aren’t very healthy and a person has to be careful with those.

Looks like there is something that’s bothering your father and he is not able to trust you to the outside society .
You simply need to win this confidence and assure him of your chastity.

If I were you, and knew my problems. I would start working on them. Like take care of myself, believe that I’m not the hide and seek kid anymore.. etc
As in, reach out to my mind, body and soul and learn new skills.
This way you find you horizons to explore into and new potential to work on.

It’s such a blessing that Allah has given us this life. Each day is a new hope and fresh beginning.
It is upon us to make the most of it.

In life we maybe able to earn a lot but we will never be able to earn the time that’s passed. Hence, one should always make an effort to use it in the the best of manners.

Sister I will suggest  you recite ziarat Ashura for 40 nights.
There is tranquility into reciting it.

Set aside charity and speak in plenty to Allah.
This doesn’t have to be on a praying mat. You can speak to Allah as is and wherever you maybe. Just keep the constant chat. It immensely helps the self.

InshaAllah all goes well
Please seek further immediate help
Regards,
N.S.Jaffery