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Bad Marriage

Q:

Salam

I really need your advice because I am feeling so upset and saddened by my situation. Three months ago I got married and moved countries. Intially my in laws were fine, however there were a few issues i considered but remained quiet upon for fear it would create trouble. Firstly my husband sold alcohol for a living, secondly I was informed by the family that praying is not a farz duty (I ignored this and followed my prayers anyway) but Haqooq of the in law family and keeping them happy and respecting them is more important. I was also told to not wear hijab because my husband did not feel attracted to me, and change the way I dressed. I felt guilty but loosened and eventually took of my scarf and wore dresses (trying to remain modest) with leggings or trousers to please my husband. After this my in laws decided I should limit contact with my own family, so not talk to them or speak to them or even visit them often because I was told they would ruin my married life. Then my in laws began to use the threat of divorce against me. They said if I didn’t pick my husband over my family they would get him to sign and divorce me and whilst my life would be destroyed his would be fine. To not aggravate the situation I listened to my in laws and limited contact to my parents and family although it was hard and heart breaking because they only wanted me to be happy. The threats of divorce became more common when my in laws realised my husband was growing closer to me and his mother said to me clearly you have come and destroyed the system of my family by taking me son away from me. After threatening to send me home after packing my things and booking my ticket my husband and his mother forced me to do a test, which indicated positive. Despite this I was always taunted with divorce by the family and so I became quiet and distant and asked my husband to think about getting our own flat or accommodation so I wouldn’t have to continue poor relations with his family. However despite saying yes to me he would go and tell all my personal things to his mother who told him I wasn’t a good or nice person. The father and mother of my husband both spoke extremely rudely and hurt fully to me and made me cry so much even whilst I was in a condition. They told me it was no different to being raped and I shouldn’t think I am special. My heart hurt so much and I prayed to God to help me. Later on, after when my parents came to meet us for a second party after the wedding a night after, my husbands mother sat down in front of my mum and said I was treating her badly,by staying in my room not talking for long periods with her or her husband and treating them poorly. My mum was shocked and sad and so was my dad and said they would take me home to try and make me understand. After lying to my parents that I went out late and I did rude things in a foreign country I had enough and told my husbands parents I didn’t feel comfortable with them and I didn’t think I could be their daughter if they always threatened me with divorce. After this the mother said to her son that he had to make a choice between his wife and family. He said to me go and so I left. During this stressful time I miscarried and when I arrived home I stopped communication with any of them because I was extremely upset and hurt and they had informed us I would be receiving a divorce. After this we got several notices of divorce and notification that the recital of divorce would take place. After this I received communication which said if I leave and disown my whole family I could return to the married home, I did not accept and asked for nothing more between us. In the meanwhile the mother of the son has spread hurtful lies about me having an abortion and partying/sleeping with men whilst married. She has made documents about pregnancy is showing them to people. She and her family are also burning my clothes. They have created fake texts lying about my actions and are showing them to people. She has asked neighbours for the numbers of local community of where I live to call them and tell them what I have done. I feel so upset and hurt because I know I didn’t do anything wrong or bad and if I have I’ve asked forgiveness from God. However this lady and her son and family are intent on ruining my life and reputation. I am so sad because they are saying I’m being punished because I’m a disgusting person and they are also blaming lies against my parents and saying they broke the marriage. This is not true as they only wanted happiness for me I have been told by my own family members that divorce in this situation is best and that God has saved me from a worser situation. Can you give me any duas or help to recite anything to help me remain positive in this dark time. Also is it my fault this failed? For so long I stayed quiet because I thought it would make my marriage work but I wasn’t allowed to go and study or even go out. If I did I had to be with someone all the time.. When me and my husband did go out we got in trouble from the parents. I just feel so sad that I was so silly for getting married so quickly and young.

Please help me with your advice

Thank you

A:

Dear Sister,
Salaam Alayki.

Having pondered over the situation that you have expressed and gone through, I believe you have gone out of your way trying to save your marriage, by even going against the Shari’ah. And your compromise of trying to save your marriage and maintaining a peaceful life at home and striving to harmonize your relation with your husband and in-laws was mis-interpreted as your weakness and timidity.

I pray to the Almighty to help you overcome the experience and dilemma that you have gone through and give you strength to move on with your life after the initial experience that you have had.

Do recite Ziarate Ashoora and especially Doa-Alqamah that follows it with meaning. It will really give you solace. Plus at the same time, recite Supplication No. 54 from Sahifa Sajjadiyyah ~ a doa especially for removal of worries and anxiety.

Below, please find other doas for the same.

Another advise to you dear ~ try to get into a profession or pursue a career or education which could keep you occupied and busy and it can also give a direction to your life. Also if you could dedicate yourself into helping the under-privileged could also yield satisfaction to you.

I pray for you and should you require any further assistance, please do contact me.

According to Imam Muhammad bin Ali al Baqir the Ahl ul Bayt used to recite the following du-a’a to seek safety from Allah whenever worries troubled them :

O the (ever) existing who is a priori to all existence; O the creator (who says ‘be’ and it becomes) of all things, O the everlasting eternal even when everything (created) shall perish:
Send blessings on Muhammad and his children and do for me (mention your desire here)

YAA KAAA-INAN QABLA KULLI SHAY -IN WA YAA MUKAWWINA KULLI SHAY -IN WA YAA BAAQIYA BA’DA KULLI SHAY -IN S’ALLI ALA MUH’AMMADIN WA AHLI BAYTIHEE WAF-A’L BEE

 

يَا كَائِنًا قَبْلَ كُلِّ شَيْ‏ءٍ

 وَ يَا مُكَوِّنَ كُلِّ شَيْ‏ء

ٍ وَ يَا بَاقِي بَعْدَ كُلِّ شَيْ‏ء

ٍ صَلِّ عَلٰى مُحَمَّدٍ وَ آلِ مُحَمَّدٍ وَ افْعَلْ بِيْ

 

Imam Jafar bin Mohammad as Sadiq advised his followers to recite the following du-a’a to remove worries

I enumerate the merits of all that which are glorious and magnificent (to know that) there is no god save Allah; and for (removal of) pains and sorrows there is no power nor strength (in any) save in Allah. Muhammad is the first light, Ali the second light; and all the pious Imams (of the Ahlul Bayt) are a means to reach the presence of Allah and a protection from the enemies of Allah. All things are dwarfed in presence of the greatness of Allah. I seek sufficient (support) from Allah, the mighty, the glorious.

A’-DADTU LIKULLI A’Z’EEMATIN LAA ILAAHA ILLALLAAHU WA LIKULLI HAMMIN WA GHAMMIN LAA H’AWLA WA LAA QUWWATA ILLAA BILLAAH MUH’AMMADUN NOORUL AWWALU WA A’LIYAUN NOORUTH THAANEE WAL A-IMMATUL ABRAARU U’DDATUN LILIQAAA-ILLAAHI WA H’IJAABUN MIN A-DAAA-ILLAAHI D’ALLA KULLI SHAY-IN LI-A’Z’AMATILLAAHI WA AS-ALULLAAHA A’ZZA WA JALLAL KIFAAYAH

 

The Arabic text can be found in this link – http://www.duas.org/worries.htm

 

 

Zaheera